Until those of us in leadership get honest about our failures to protect the sheep,
expose the wolves and be the warriors of truth we profess to be, then we are part of the problem.
Cowardice to confront sin is killing our credibility and influence.
Stacey Shiflett, Pastor Calvary Baptist Church Dundalk, MD
expose the wolves and be the warriors of truth we profess to be, then we are part of the problem.
Cowardice to confront sin is killing our credibility and influence.
Stacey Shiflett, Pastor Calvary Baptist Church Dundalk, MD
Frank Sommerville, an attorney and CPA who specializes in church law and tax says, "Many churches are devastated when they learn of sexual misconduct within their church. However, if the church recognizes that it may occur, and prepares for that possibility, they are the ones who rarely need to use the policies they have in place. On the other hand, the churches that fail to prepare usually pay a very high price. When sexual boundaries are crossed between church employees, the legal consequences can be significant. Juries tend to award larger damages to victims of sexual harassment within churches because they think church should be a safe place. Churches ignore this at their peril." Church Law&Tax, Sexual Misconduct at Church
Yes, churches should be safe. And legal ramifications of clergy sexual abuse are a reality, but we know church leadership will want to have policies, procedures, safe practices, messages against abuse, etc., to create an environment that is unattractive to predatory abusers because they want a safe church and they care for the sheep, not just so they can avoid expensive lawsuits. The spiritual ramifications of clergy sexual abuse for the victim, families, and the church body are devastating.
I am a church administration professional. I worked in a church office for almost 20 years in several roles, but ultimately as an executive assistant for one of the pastors. I felt as called by God to serve in that capacity using my gifts and talents as the pastors are to use theirs. All our church staff worked hard and served faithfully. Ministry work is hard for all church staff, assistants included. We are committed to our pastors and to the body to do all we can to meet their needs and keep church things running smoothly so everyone can focus on their ministry.
During my years of working in my church office, I was abused. Mostly emotionally, but ultimately, sexually. My pastor boss was a covert narcissist abuser. I’ve only recently learned the term “covert narcissist.”
A short definition for a covert narcissist is someone who is self-serving, self-promoting, and self-protecting, at the expense of and to the detriment of others. An abusive narcissist manipulates the community to believe they are good and righteous while at the same time abusing select targets to feed their egos and sinful desires for power and control. They abuse individuals to break down and destroy self-esteem and sanity in order to facilitate compliance to their control.
I’ve spent a long time blaming myself for not noticing my abusing pastor’s tactics. For complying. For being afraid of him. For letting him talk down to me and belittle me. For not openly challenging him. For thinking I was the crazy one. For thinking I had to show grace no matter what. For not quitting my job and getting away from him. But you see, I wasn’t the only one. There were 25 people on that church staff. And all of us knew he was a force to be reckoned with. We all walked on egg shells. We all spent way too much time crafting our sentences to say just the right thing so we wouldn’t set him off. We let him tease us and say awful things but didn’t dare tease back. We let him enforce rules that he himself broke. We let him put policies in place that protected him from discipline. We listened to him exhort commandments in his Sunday messages that he didn’t follow himself. And the maddening part is that he wasn’t the senior pastor. He had a boss and he had an elder board over him. And they knew, too. But they didn’t discipline or fire him.
So, believing he was indispensable, he abused his power. After years of grooming, I became his target for emotional and sexual abuse. He used all of the classic covert narcissists tactics to coerce me into inappropriate behavior—grooming, love bombing, gaslighting, all of them. Then, once I was snared, he emotionally tortured me. Every day, all day long. Because I was in his proximity during the workday, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, and often at events on weekends, he had plenty of time to mess with my mind and break down my confidence and boundaries.
When I was in a vulnerable time, emotionally suffering and exhausted, a pastor, one who should have encouraged me in Christ and pointed me toward help, instead coerced me into behavior I had no idea I was even capable of.
Here’s the thing. The emotional and sexual abuse that cost me my job, my church, many friendships and almost my marriage could have been avoided. Now that I am free of the abuser and that office, I can see how that work environment was unsafe.
So, here are my suggestions to help make a church office safe. If a pastor wants to communicate to his staff and church body that he or she understands their role as a shepherd of the people and that shepherds keep the sheep safe from wolves, do these things. Pastors, show your staff you value them as servants and as people:
Pastors should be our shepherds, and that requires not only leading the flock, but protecting the flock. Scripture warns us there will be wolves in sheep’s clothing in the church. Church leadership has the responsibility to be on guard for these wolves, get rid of them, and care for their victims. I believe steps like those above will make church offices unattractive environments for wolves.
Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which he bought with his own blood. Acts 20:28
Yes, churches should be safe. And legal ramifications of clergy sexual abuse are a reality, but we know church leadership will want to have policies, procedures, safe practices, messages against abuse, etc., to create an environment that is unattractive to predatory abusers because they want a safe church and they care for the sheep, not just so they can avoid expensive lawsuits. The spiritual ramifications of clergy sexual abuse for the victim, families, and the church body are devastating.
I am a church administration professional. I worked in a church office for almost 20 years in several roles, but ultimately as an executive assistant for one of the pastors. I felt as called by God to serve in that capacity using my gifts and talents as the pastors are to use theirs. All our church staff worked hard and served faithfully. Ministry work is hard for all church staff, assistants included. We are committed to our pastors and to the body to do all we can to meet their needs and keep church things running smoothly so everyone can focus on their ministry.
During my years of working in my church office, I was abused. Mostly emotionally, but ultimately, sexually. My pastor boss was a covert narcissist abuser. I’ve only recently learned the term “covert narcissist.”
A short definition for a covert narcissist is someone who is self-serving, self-promoting, and self-protecting, at the expense of and to the detriment of others. An abusive narcissist manipulates the community to believe they are good and righteous while at the same time abusing select targets to feed their egos and sinful desires for power and control. They abuse individuals to break down and destroy self-esteem and sanity in order to facilitate compliance to their control.
I’ve spent a long time blaming myself for not noticing my abusing pastor’s tactics. For complying. For being afraid of him. For letting him talk down to me and belittle me. For not openly challenging him. For thinking I was the crazy one. For thinking I had to show grace no matter what. For not quitting my job and getting away from him. But you see, I wasn’t the only one. There were 25 people on that church staff. And all of us knew he was a force to be reckoned with. We all walked on egg shells. We all spent way too much time crafting our sentences to say just the right thing so we wouldn’t set him off. We let him tease us and say awful things but didn’t dare tease back. We let him enforce rules that he himself broke. We let him put policies in place that protected him from discipline. We listened to him exhort commandments in his Sunday messages that he didn’t follow himself. And the maddening part is that he wasn’t the senior pastor. He had a boss and he had an elder board over him. And they knew, too. But they didn’t discipline or fire him.
So, believing he was indispensable, he abused his power. After years of grooming, I became his target for emotional and sexual abuse. He used all of the classic covert narcissists tactics to coerce me into inappropriate behavior—grooming, love bombing, gaslighting, all of them. Then, once I was snared, he emotionally tortured me. Every day, all day long. Because I was in his proximity during the workday, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, and often at events on weekends, he had plenty of time to mess with my mind and break down my confidence and boundaries.
When I was in a vulnerable time, emotionally suffering and exhausted, a pastor, one who should have encouraged me in Christ and pointed me toward help, instead coerced me into behavior I had no idea I was even capable of.
Here’s the thing. The emotional and sexual abuse that cost me my job, my church, many friendships and almost my marriage could have been avoided. Now that I am free of the abuser and that office, I can see how that work environment was unsafe.
So, here are my suggestions to help make a church office safe. If a pastor wants to communicate to his staff and church body that he or she understands their role as a shepherd of the people and that shepherds keep the sheep safe from wolves, do these things. Pastors, show your staff you value them as servants and as people:
- Every church office should have a sexual harassment & abuse policy. That policy should define sexual harassment, express the expectation that sexual harassment will not be tolerated, and state the consequences and discipline for pastors/staff who commit sexual harassment and abuse. The consequences for sexual abuse should be dismissal without severance/pension.
- Every church office should also have a general harassment policy that makes it wrong to harass others or treat them unprofessionally, rudely or ungodly.
- Every member of church staff should have to attend periodic training regarding harassment in the office. This includes all forms of harassment.
- Our office had a Matthew 18 policy that said you must go to your offender before you can go over their head with a complaint. This is a dangerous policy when dealing with an abuser. An abuser manipulates the victim into protecting him. One of the reasons I didn’t report my pastor boss’s abuse was I would have to confront him first. I was too afraid to do that.
- 360 Employee reviews. In our office, supervisors reviewed/evaluated their subordinates. But we were never given the opportunity to evaluate our supervisors. Therefore, our only option if we were having issues with our supervisor was to talk to our supervisor directly (see point 4 above). It should be safe for subordinates to evaluate their supervisors honestly.
- Elders need to visit with church staff at least once a year. Our elder board only got reports from the senior pastor. So, they had no idea what the real office environment was like. They didn’t know the senior pastor was rarely in the office and that the executive pastor was a monster.
- Elders and Senior pastors should regularly ask individual staff if they feel safe. Create an environment where staff feel completely comfortable pointing out behavior, policies, anything that threatens their personal safety. An office where they feel comfortable and encouraged to make suggestions to improve the work environment and staff morale.
- There should be an official, safe method of reporting a staff member or volunteer for abuse/misconduct/harassment. This method of reporting should be publicized.
Pastors should be our shepherds, and that requires not only leading the flock, but protecting the flock. Scripture warns us there will be wolves in sheep’s clothing in the church. Church leadership has the responsibility to be on guard for these wolves, get rid of them, and care for their victims. I believe steps like those above will make church offices unattractive environments for wolves.
Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which he bought with his own blood. Acts 20:28
Please take 35 minutes and watch Diane Langberg's message on Power, Deception, and the Church.
She will help you understand power, vulnerability, abuse and the importance of speaking up, confronting abusers and protecting the sheep.
She will help you understand power, vulnerability, abuse and the importance of speaking up, confronting abusers and protecting the sheep.
Does your church have an harassment policy? Does your church communicate how to report harassment?
Does your church regularly train staff and volunteers about its harassment policies and procedures?
Does your church have a response & investigation team prepared to handle an harassment complaint?
Does your church understand abuse trauma and have a plan to care for victims?
An Article regarding the possibility of restoring a pastor after abuse is proven.
Does your church have polices, procedures and training for identifying and reporting child abuse?
Does your church understand domestic violence, how to report it, and how to care for victims?
Does your church understand there are survivors attending that need love and care?