Are You in Danger?
Are you suicidal? 1-800-273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress,
prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals.
SNAP Support Groups
Survivors and supporters have formed SNAP support groups in countries all over the world.
National Sexual Assault Hotline
Free - Confidential 24/7 - Chat - Call 800-656-4673
The American Association of Christian Counselors
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233 / 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
Reporting Child Abuse
Darkness to Light Helpline 1-866-FOR-LIGHT
24/7 Assistance providing local resource referrals and answering questions
Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse
Find Support / Report Abuse
Workplace Bullying Institute
Problem Impact Solutions Resources
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Addiction Hotline
24/7, Toll Free,Confidential
844-207-6576
1in6.org
Sexual Abuse & Assault of Boys and Men
Confidential Support for Men
Help! I'm Panicking! Grounding Exercises for Strong Emotions
Grace vs Abuse: 7 Questions to Define the Line
How to Report Abuse by a Priest or Clergy
by Jill Monaco
Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome: 6 Signs to Look For
by Kim Saaed
11 Signs You're the Victim of Narcissistic Abuse
by Shahida Arabi, M.A.
Are you suicidal? 1-800-273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress,
prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals.
SNAP Support Groups
Survivors and supporters have formed SNAP support groups in countries all over the world.
National Sexual Assault Hotline
Free - Confidential 24/7 - Chat - Call 800-656-4673
The American Association of Christian Counselors
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233 / 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
Reporting Child Abuse
Darkness to Light Helpline 1-866-FOR-LIGHT
24/7 Assistance providing local resource referrals and answering questions
Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse
Find Support / Report Abuse
Workplace Bullying Institute
Problem Impact Solutions Resources
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Addiction Hotline
24/7, Toll Free,Confidential
844-207-6576
1in6.org
Sexual Abuse & Assault of Boys and Men
Confidential Support for Men
Help! I'm Panicking! Grounding Exercises for Strong Emotions
Grace vs Abuse: 7 Questions to Define the Line
How to Report Abuse by a Priest or Clergy
by Jill Monaco
Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome: 6 Signs to Look For
by Kim Saaed
11 Signs You're the Victim of Narcissistic Abuse
by Shahida Arabi, M.A.
It's Not an Affair!
The Hope of Survivors
We are here when you are ready to talk.
Pastors Don't Have Affairs - Ashley Easter
Why It's Not an Affair - AdvocateWeb
It's Abuse, Not an Affair, And it Appears We Need to be Reminded...Again... - Christianity Today
Soul Stealing: Power Relations in Pastoral Sexual Abuse - SNAP Network
How Do I Stop This? - The Hope of Survivors
Don't Call It an Affair: The Truth About Clergy Abuse by Rachel Cohen
Clergy Abuse of Women: A Diminished Capacity to Consent by Rachel Cohen
Sex With a Pastor: An Affair or Abuse? by Cameron Altaras
Soul Stealing: Power Relations in Pastoral Sexual Abuse by Rev Pamela Cooper White
It's Not an Affair: It's Abuse by David K. Pooler by Baptist Women in Ministry
I don't know what your situation is--whether you've been assaulted, groomed into inappropriate activity, or are married to an abuser. Maybe you are afraid. No one knows the truth yet. Trust me! You need to tell someone. Find a friend you trust, get a counselor, tell your spouse, or find out the reporting procedure for your church. If you have no idea where to start, email us at notinourchurch@gmail.com and we'll help as much as we can. Completely confidential. If you need to talk to someone but aren't ready to act yet, we will honor your privacy and right to decide when to report.
Looking back at how everything went down when my clergy abuse was discovered, there are things I wish I had done differently. So, I'll share what I've learned and other resources on getting through the reporting and investigation process as the survivor. I believe this applies to any type of clergy abuse.
If you have been sexually assaulted or forced to do something without consent, notify law enforcement. Call 911.
If you are in what you think is or someone has called "an inappropriate relationship" with a pastor/clergy/priest, you need to understand it is not a consensual affair. It is abuse. It's not your fault. Check out Hope for Survivors for helpful information to clarify this.
DON'T SIGN ANYTHING. Emotions are high and things are moving very quickly. The leaders in your church may be communicating that they want to care for you, but ultimately they may be looking out for themselves or for the church (institution). They probably haven't had to handle anything like this before. Sometimes their tendency is to lean more toward protecting themselves or the church and not looking out for the best interest of the victim. And, it's possible they don't realize you are a victim. It's possible they don't yet know about the power differential that puts your pastor/boss at fault. Although, if they are pastoring a church, they should know this. I believe there is no reason to sign a confidentiality agreement that keeps you from saying anything about the abuse, anything about your abuser, or anything about the church. But even if you think you should sign, find an attorney first. If they are attaching benefits such as paying for counseling or a financial settlement to signing a confidentiality agreement, that is highly suspicious. Don't give away your voice!
This is a great article on non-disparagement and non-disclosure agreements:
Non-Disparagement Agreements and Truth Telling in the Church by Scot McKnight
Never Sign an NDA - SurvivorsAwakenTheChurch
Find someone who understands clergy abuse and the process to walk this road with you. You have a lot to process and need someone who will keep your conversations confidential as you tell your story.
DO NOT MEET WITH ANYONE WITHOUT REPRESENTATION. What I eventually figured out is that trying to handle this the "godly" way by getting in the room with the leadership leads to misunderstandings and confusion on both sides. Everyone is filtering or funneling the information they hear through fear, trauma, some possible misunderstandings of scripture and some possible misunderstandings of law/church ethics. You need experts to help with this process. I thought by dealing with it myself, it would communicate grace and unity and I believe our church leadership thought the same. But the fact is, we were all unqualified and misunderstandings led to regrettable behavior on both sides. This led to a they said/they said which ended up hurting people. I think it's healthier to get outside help.
In this article, What I Wish the Church Knew About Harassment, an anonymous woman who dealt with pastoral harassment offers this advice. "To those who believe they might be experiencing sexual harassment, I would say, document everything. Even if you just write down the date and a description of the incidents, that counts far more than your memory (it shouldn’t, but it does). Save emails. Write down who else witnessed a conversation or touch. Then, consult an expert. Talk to a lawyer, therapist, or social worker (not just friends and family!). Some pastors may be trained in these matters, but not all will be. Gather a strong support network around you, and then be very, very brave."
SurvivorsAwakenTheChurch - Reporting Your Abuser: How to Survive the Process
Abuse by Clergy - FAQ - FaithTrust Institute
Are you suffering from PTSD? Trauma? Here is the paragraph from The Recovery Village.
Traumatic events can stick with people well after they end. In some cases, the memory of a life-threatening or emotionally painful incident can remain with a person for the rest of their life. The imprint on a person’s memory can cause recollections of physical and emotional reactions that the person had during the event. Certain sights, sounds or other characteristics that are similar to the major traumatic event can bring these painful memories to the forefront of a person’s mind and ignite those internal and external responses. Experiencing reactions to past traumatic events is a mental health disorder commonly known as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). While commonly associated to military personnel or first responders such as firefighters, police officers or emergency medical technicians, this type of mental illness can affect anyone who has undergone a major negative event in their life and knowing the causes, types and treatment options can help improve one’s mental wellness. Learn More about PTSD here.
Find links to other articles related to surviving clergy abuse and trauma on our Healing Page.
Looking back at how everything went down when my clergy abuse was discovered, there are things I wish I had done differently. So, I'll share what I've learned and other resources on getting through the reporting and investigation process as the survivor. I believe this applies to any type of clergy abuse.
If you have been sexually assaulted or forced to do something without consent, notify law enforcement. Call 911.
If you are in what you think is or someone has called "an inappropriate relationship" with a pastor/clergy/priest, you need to understand it is not a consensual affair. It is abuse. It's not your fault. Check out Hope for Survivors for helpful information to clarify this.
DON'T SIGN ANYTHING. Emotions are high and things are moving very quickly. The leaders in your church may be communicating that they want to care for you, but ultimately they may be looking out for themselves or for the church (institution). They probably haven't had to handle anything like this before. Sometimes their tendency is to lean more toward protecting themselves or the church and not looking out for the best interest of the victim. And, it's possible they don't realize you are a victim. It's possible they don't yet know about the power differential that puts your pastor/boss at fault. Although, if they are pastoring a church, they should know this. I believe there is no reason to sign a confidentiality agreement that keeps you from saying anything about the abuse, anything about your abuser, or anything about the church. But even if you think you should sign, find an attorney first. If they are attaching benefits such as paying for counseling or a financial settlement to signing a confidentiality agreement, that is highly suspicious. Don't give away your voice!
This is a great article on non-disparagement and non-disclosure agreements:
Non-Disparagement Agreements and Truth Telling in the Church by Scot McKnight
Never Sign an NDA - SurvivorsAwakenTheChurch
Find someone who understands clergy abuse and the process to walk this road with you. You have a lot to process and need someone who will keep your conversations confidential as you tell your story.
DO NOT MEET WITH ANYONE WITHOUT REPRESENTATION. What I eventually figured out is that trying to handle this the "godly" way by getting in the room with the leadership leads to misunderstandings and confusion on both sides. Everyone is filtering or funneling the information they hear through fear, trauma, some possible misunderstandings of scripture and some possible misunderstandings of law/church ethics. You need experts to help with this process. I thought by dealing with it myself, it would communicate grace and unity and I believe our church leadership thought the same. But the fact is, we were all unqualified and misunderstandings led to regrettable behavior on both sides. This led to a they said/they said which ended up hurting people. I think it's healthier to get outside help.
In this article, What I Wish the Church Knew About Harassment, an anonymous woman who dealt with pastoral harassment offers this advice. "To those who believe they might be experiencing sexual harassment, I would say, document everything. Even if you just write down the date and a description of the incidents, that counts far more than your memory (it shouldn’t, but it does). Save emails. Write down who else witnessed a conversation or touch. Then, consult an expert. Talk to a lawyer, therapist, or social worker (not just friends and family!). Some pastors may be trained in these matters, but not all will be. Gather a strong support network around you, and then be very, very brave."
SurvivorsAwakenTheChurch - Reporting Your Abuser: How to Survive the Process
Abuse by Clergy - FAQ - FaithTrust Institute
Are you suffering from PTSD? Trauma? Here is the paragraph from The Recovery Village.
Traumatic events can stick with people well after they end. In some cases, the memory of a life-threatening or emotionally painful incident can remain with a person for the rest of their life. The imprint on a person’s memory can cause recollections of physical and emotional reactions that the person had during the event. Certain sights, sounds or other characteristics that are similar to the major traumatic event can bring these painful memories to the forefront of a person’s mind and ignite those internal and external responses. Experiencing reactions to past traumatic events is a mental health disorder commonly known as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). While commonly associated to military personnel or first responders such as firefighters, police officers or emergency medical technicians, this type of mental illness can affect anyone who has undergone a major negative event in their life and knowing the causes, types and treatment options can help improve one’s mental wellness. Learn More about PTSD here.
Find links to other articles related to surviving clergy abuse and trauma on our Healing Page.