I haven’t lost faith in Jesus. I’ve lost faith in the church.

It was my pastor that encouraged me to quit listening to that prudish Christian music.
It was my pastor that encouraged me to start drinking bourbon.
​It was my pastor that began texting me while I was on a trip.
It was my pastor that said my husband was crazy.
It was my pastor that said friendship could include sexual activity.
It was my pastor that wouldn’t take no for an answer.
It was my pastor that threatened my job if I didn’t “play.”
It was my pastor who texted pictures.
It was my pastor who told me I was worthless and crazy.
It was my pastor who tortured me daily at work.
It was my pastor who blamed me for his sexual abuse.
It was my pastor who threatened to “take me out” if I betrayed him in any way.
It was my pastor who blamed me for discovery.
It was my pastor who never apologized.

It was my elders that knew it was abuse but called it an inappropriate relationship.
It was my elders who called me by name to the church body.
It was my elders that put a NDA in front of me saying it was to protect me when it was to protect them.
It was my elders who lied to their congregation.
It was my elders who refused my request for an investigation.
It was my elders who refuse to tell the truth and correct what they told the church body, my world, about me.

It was my church family of 15 years who turned their backs on me & the truth.
It was my church family that decided silence was more comfortable than truth.
It was my church that couldn’t practice what they preach.
It was my church that couldn’t trust God with the truth.
It was my church who kept a wolf in the pulpit & allowed him to abuse when they should have fired him. 
It was my church that let that wolf almost destroy me.
It was my church that chose image and money over truth.
It was my church that basically showed me they think I am worthless.
The sheep aren’t important. The “shepherds” are.

I haven’t lost my faith in Jesus. He rescued me out of that sick place. He’s healing me. I admit I don’t understand his ways because they can be so painful, but I trust Him.

I’ll add this: there are others like me, who were shown hell by pastors who have now considered leaving or left faith in Jesus. I understand why. It’s their choice. We shouldn’t judge victims for the hell a pastor and church put them through. We should love. And by love, I mean listen and support. We should fight like hell to expose wolves, get them out and take care of their victims whether they are in church or not and whether they’re still Christians or not. We should act like Jesus, not Pharisees. No one else walked on step in that victim’s shoes. Love!

​Don’t tell victims they have to trust Jesus after abuse when the church, when Christians, won’t trust Jesus with the truth about clergy sexual abuse.

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