"Simon, Simon, Satan demanded to have you,
that he might sift you like wheat,
but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail.
And when you have turned again, strengthen your brothers."
Jesus, Luke 22:31-32 (ESV)
that he might sift you like wheat,
but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail.
And when you have turned again, strengthen your brothers."
Jesus, Luke 22:31-32 (ESV)
If you are reading this page because you have been abused, I am so, so sorry this happened to you. As an abuse survivor, I understand the deep, dark, pain. The weight of the regret and shame. Feeling like I was stupid and should have known better. Like I should have done something to stop it. I know. But now, I'm a bit down the road, and I know that this is on your abuser, not you. You were not stupid, you were targeted, groomed and manipulated. You weren’t chosen or targeted because you aren’t smart or were an easy target. You were targeted because you are strong, kind, loyal, and resilient. And your strength and resilience, with God's unfailing love, are what are going to help you heal. It will take time. The grooming and abuse didn’t happen overnight, even though it may feel like it did, and the healing won’t happen overnight either. So, give yourself time. Don't rush forward. I hope you are completely free with no contact with your abuser! That will help, too.
The journey to healing is very personal and looks different for each of us. So this is just what I’ve learned from my own journey. For me, during the abusive relationship and even immediately after it all came to light, I was in a fog. I wasn’t sure what was reality and what was fantasy. My healing has taken years and I know it may take a lifetime. I felt like I had been in a dark, inescapable tunnel for years, so once I was completely free from my abuser, my pastor and boss, I wanted to run and never look back. I was free! I didn’t know how messed up I was, but my husband did. He’s really the one that began putting the pieces together and with the help of our marriage counselor, realized I had tangled with a covert narcissist predator. For me, the brainwashing and grooming was very slow and took years so I never knew what was happening. I was told by a trauma therapist that by the time he made his first real inappropriate move, I was “already in the cage.” I did not have the free will I thought I did. I was in no position to consent, from a power perspective or an emotional perspective. This has been a difficult reality for me to grasp. Did I sin? I felt I had. But experts say I was in no condition to exercise free will. I was "brainwashed" so to speak. It's so complicated. But either way, I took it to God. I surrendered my shame to Him. And He cleaned my heart. In His eyes, I am clean, redeemed. He took my abuse, my hurt, my shame, all on Himself. I'm not in any way victim shaming. Abuse is on the abuser. But I am saying that I took my pain and the shame my abuser put on me and surrendered it to God. As Natalie Grant says, "He is restoring me, piece by piece."
The journey to healing is very personal and looks different for each of us. So this is just what I’ve learned from my own journey. For me, during the abusive relationship and even immediately after it all came to light, I was in a fog. I wasn’t sure what was reality and what was fantasy. My healing has taken years and I know it may take a lifetime. I felt like I had been in a dark, inescapable tunnel for years, so once I was completely free from my abuser, my pastor and boss, I wanted to run and never look back. I was free! I didn’t know how messed up I was, but my husband did. He’s really the one that began putting the pieces together and with the help of our marriage counselor, realized I had tangled with a covert narcissist predator. For me, the brainwashing and grooming was very slow and took years so I never knew what was happening. I was told by a trauma therapist that by the time he made his first real inappropriate move, I was “already in the cage.” I did not have the free will I thought I did. I was in no position to consent, from a power perspective or an emotional perspective. This has been a difficult reality for me to grasp. Did I sin? I felt I had. But experts say I was in no condition to exercise free will. I was "brainwashed" so to speak. It's so complicated. But either way, I took it to God. I surrendered my shame to Him. And He cleaned my heart. In His eyes, I am clean, redeemed. He took my abuse, my hurt, my shame, all on Himself. I'm not in any way victim shaming. Abuse is on the abuser. But I am saying that I took my pain and the shame my abuser put on me and surrendered it to God. As Natalie Grant says, "He is restoring me, piece by piece."
From my own research on the brainwashing tactics of narcissist predators, I've written this article:
Sin or Abuse? Freewill or Brainwashing? Consent or Coercion?
Sin or Abuse? Freewill or Brainwashing? Consent or Coercion?
Our Father, I pray for this survivor. I thank You that You love them with an unfailing love. Father, I ask You to make Yourself known to this survivor in a way that leaves no doubt in their heart that You are here. Remind them that You know them by name. That Your thoughts for them outnumber the grains of sand on earth. (Psalm 139) Father, we don't know why You, in Your sovereignty, allow some terrible things to happen. (Isaiah 55:8-9) Help us to trust You. Show us that you take what Satan and our abusers mean for evil and use it for Your good (Genesis 50:20). God, thank You for listening when we cry out in grief, anger, and pain to You (Psalm 56). Please surround this precious survivor with people who will also listen and support without judgement. Please surround this survivor with love. Father, please keep them safe. I ask that you will give this survivor courage to do what she/he needs to do to be safe. Again, Father, that You will surround them with people who will help keep them safe (Psalm 91). And, Father, we plead for justice (Proverbs 21:15). We ask that truth will be known. That the truth will set this survivor free (John 8:32). And Father, we ask You, beg You, to help free our churches from all types of abuse. Church should be safe. We ask that You bring all abuse in the church to light so that victims can become survivors (Job 12:22). We ask that You give our leaders the courage to call out abuse and care for the survivors (Isaiah 1:17). We ask You to give our leaders courage to trust You and not be tempted to cover up sin to "protect the church." And Father, where our leaders lack courage, we ask that you give the congregation the courage to stand up to the leadership. We, the people, are your church. Again, Father, I ask you to embrace this survivor and hold them close to Your heart throughout their journey to healing and wholeness. Thank you that in Jesus, we are truly free (John 8:36)! In Jesus's Name. Amen
If you are anything like me, you feel like your abuser took your control, your power over your thoughts and actions. It has taken me a while to take my control back. Now, no one gets to think or speak for me. I will make my own choices. I will decide how I feel about things and what I want to do. What my treatment and healing will look like. When I will tell my story. What my story will look like when I do tell it. What I keep private and what I make public. I will decide whom I trust and will let get close to me. I will decide who touches me. I will enforce my boundaries. I will practice my rights.
I can’t stress enough how much counseling has helped! I am saying this as someone who was stubborn and thought I was strong and didn’t need counseling. But I've since learned that inner strength has nothing to do with getting help when needed. Sometimes, we need help and input from someone with special gifts and training. My counselor helped me see that I had some issues that made me vulnerable to abuse. If you are recovering from abuse, I would recommend finding a Christian counselor that specializes in abuse and/or trauma. I will say that it should be counseling outside of the church. I am talking about independent, impartial counselors. A professional counselor, not a pastor. I am praying that your church leadership is willing to pay for your sessions!
Forgiveness: I think forgiveness in regard to your abuser is a personal journey like healing. It's different for each survivor. It's something you work out with God Himself as to if and when you extend forgiveness to your abuser. So I'm not going to detail my forgiveness journey. But I'll leave you with these resources in the event that, when you are ready, you want to look at them.
If you are anything like me, you feel like your abuser took your control, your power over your thoughts and actions. It has taken me a while to take my control back. Now, no one gets to think or speak for me. I will make my own choices. I will decide how I feel about things and what I want to do. What my treatment and healing will look like. When I will tell my story. What my story will look like when I do tell it. What I keep private and what I make public. I will decide whom I trust and will let get close to me. I will decide who touches me. I will enforce my boundaries. I will practice my rights.
I can’t stress enough how much counseling has helped! I am saying this as someone who was stubborn and thought I was strong and didn’t need counseling. But I've since learned that inner strength has nothing to do with getting help when needed. Sometimes, we need help and input from someone with special gifts and training. My counselor helped me see that I had some issues that made me vulnerable to abuse. If you are recovering from abuse, I would recommend finding a Christian counselor that specializes in abuse and/or trauma. I will say that it should be counseling outside of the church. I am talking about independent, impartial counselors. A professional counselor, not a pastor. I am praying that your church leadership is willing to pay for your sessions!
Forgiveness: I think forgiveness in regard to your abuser is a personal journey like healing. It's different for each survivor. It's something you work out with God Himself as to if and when you extend forgiveness to your abuser. So I'm not going to detail my forgiveness journey. But I'll leave you with these resources in the event that, when you are ready, you want to look at them.
Rachel Denhollander on Forgiveness & Justice
Ashley Easter - What Forgiving an Abuser Doesn't Mean
Why I Don't Use The Word Forgiveness in Trauma Therapy
Should Forgiveness be Unconditional?
Emotions and Forgiveness: Instructions for a Confusing Intersection
Some More Thoughts on Wrong Thinking About Forgiveness
The Abuser's Evil Demands for Forgiveness
Interview: Morgan Lee interviews Rachel Dendhollander
My Larry Nassar Testimony Went Viral, But There's More to the Gospel Than Forgiveness
After Clergy Abuse, Forgiveness Will Just Have to Wait
When Forgiveness is the Last Thing You Want to Do
The Not so Simple Act of Forgiving and Forgetting
I Forgive You But I Don't Trust You//Ty Gibson
The "root of bitterness" in Hebrews - it isn't unforgiveness
Rethinking Bitterness: Rebecca Davis: Awaken 2019
Ashley Easter - What Forgiving an Abuser Doesn't Mean
Why I Don't Use The Word Forgiveness in Trauma Therapy
Should Forgiveness be Unconditional?
Emotions and Forgiveness: Instructions for a Confusing Intersection
Some More Thoughts on Wrong Thinking About Forgiveness
The Abuser's Evil Demands for Forgiveness
Interview: Morgan Lee interviews Rachel Dendhollander
My Larry Nassar Testimony Went Viral, But There's More to the Gospel Than Forgiveness
After Clergy Abuse, Forgiveness Will Just Have to Wait
When Forgiveness is the Last Thing You Want to Do
The Not so Simple Act of Forgiving and Forgetting
I Forgive You But I Don't Trust You//Ty Gibson
The "root of bitterness" in Hebrews - it isn't unforgiveness
Rethinking Bitterness: Rebecca Davis: Awaken 2019
Because when people speak for God,
and then they do something devastating to you,
it feels like the weight of God is behind the force of the abuse,
and you have to spend your life detangling God from what occurred.
Carol Howard Merritt
and then they do something devastating to you,
it feels like the weight of God is behind the force of the abuse,
and you have to spend your life detangling God from what occurred.
Carol Howard Merritt
I struggle to trust pastors, so church can be difficult and triggering. There are Sunday's when I just can't make myself go. It can be a reminder of my abuse. Or Satan tells me I don't belong there. As the quote above says, I have to spend time detangling God from the abuse of a pastor.
Community is important. Especially a group of people that understand your situation, that can relate and that you can relate to. I pray you have a friend or family member that will walk this path with you. Someone who will listen without judgement and pray with you. Someone who will encourage you. Someone who knows when to speak into your heart and when to just sit with you as you grieve, cry and process. Someone who will help you take your power back and not make decisions for you or push you to make decisions when you're not ready. Someone who will also help you have times when you don't think about your abuse or recovery at all -- someone to temporarily escape with and just have fun. Someone to LAUGH with! (If you are helping someone walk this path, check out our Caring for the Victim page for tips.)
Trauma took away choice. Part of healing from trauma means
one must eventually choose whether she/he will love again,
care again, and reach for another human being again.
Surviving and then telling our story returns us to that.
We must choose what we will do with humans.
We can hide, hate, or run from them but, then the trauma still has mastery.
Trauma brings helplessness and recovery brings choice.
The return to choice is an immense gift of healing.
Diane Langberg, PhD
one must eventually choose whether she/he will love again,
care again, and reach for another human being again.
Surviving and then telling our story returns us to that.
We must choose what we will do with humans.
We can hide, hate, or run from them but, then the trauma still has mastery.
Trauma brings helplessness and recovery brings choice.
The return to choice is an immense gift of healing.
Diane Langberg, PhD
Websites & Articles for Clergy/Pastoral and Other Abuse Survivors
Sexual Abuse in Christian Organizations by Diane Langberg, PhD (Board Member at Grace)
Pastors Don't Have Affairs - Ashley Easter
Why It's Not an Affair - AdvocateWeb
Clergy Sexual Misconduct Information & Resources
Soul Stealing: Power Relations in Pastoral Sexual Abuse - SNAP Network
Sex with a Pastor is NEVER an Affair
2015 SNAP Conference
Sex With a Pastor: An Affair or Abuse? by Cameron Altaras
When Wolves Wear Shepherds Clothing : Helping Women Survive Clergy Sexual Abuse by Diana R. Garland
It is Not an Affair: It is Abuse (by David K. Pooler)
Baptist Women in Ministry
Feel Like You Were Brainwashed by the Narcissist? by Kim Saaed
7 Tactics of Brainwashing Abusers
Trauma Bonds Explain the Connection with a Narcissist
by Fairy Tail Shadows
Why Adult Victims of Clergy Sexual Abuse are not to Blame by Mark Scheffers
Adults are also Groomed for Sexual Abuse. I was. By a Church Pastor.
The Grooming Behavior of Pastoral Predators – Part 1
The Grooming Behavior of Pastoral Predators – Part 2
How Pastor-Abusers Choose their Targets
The Psychology of Adult Sexual Grooming
Clergy Sexual Abuse of Adults Myths
The Hope of Survivors
Listen Carefully
Survivors Awaken the Church
Take Courage - Decisions
AdvocateWeb
RAINN
SNAP Network
ANONYMOUS: From Someone Injured by the Church
An Open Letter to Sexual Assault Survivors by Kristy Burmeister
Hope and Restoration After Abuse
The videos were taken from the live presentation of the “Hope & Restoration After Sexual Abuse”
seminar presented at The Summit Church May 23 and 25, 2013.
Neuroscience reveals the shocking impact narcissistic abuse has on the brain by Lachlin Brown
How the Brain Changes in a Relationship with a Narcissist
with Dr. Rhonda Freeman (podcast or video)
by One Broken Mom Amee' Quiriconi
Safe Sheep Church Abuse Awareness (Facebook Page)
I'm Going to Repeat This Until it Sinks In (for PTSD Survivors & Their Supporters)
What Kind of Woman Does An Abusive Man Go For
While this article is written to victims of domestic abuse, I believe it applies to all targets of narcissistic abuse
The Five Lies that Victims Believe
Mike Philips, Listen Carefully
3 Things to Remember When Reporting Sexual Abuse
by Sheila Wray Gregoire
Shunning in the Church
by Deborah Brunt (Key Truths)
One of seven articles on victims of toxic churches
Victor Not Victim
Survivor of Sexual Abuse, Freed from Victim, Saved by Grace
Psalm 139 - Playing with Poetry
Survivors and the Suffering of Jesus
by Boz Tchividjian
10 Toxic Stages of Performance Based Christianity
by Mark DeJesus
The One Thing That Defines Spiritual Abuse -- with Connie Baker
How to Accept the Apology You Never Received
While this article is written in relation to surviving an abusive marriage,
it has beneficial information for all victims of abusive relationships
Thoughts from a Survivor of Hell
by Joel Horst
Should I trust Christian media to share my deeply painful church abuse story?
by Julie Anne Smith - Spiritual Sounding Board
Sexual Abuse in Christian Organizations by Diane Langberg, PhD (Board Member at Grace)
Pastors Don't Have Affairs - Ashley Easter
Why It's Not an Affair - AdvocateWeb
Clergy Sexual Misconduct Information & Resources
Soul Stealing: Power Relations in Pastoral Sexual Abuse - SNAP Network
Sex with a Pastor is NEVER an Affair
2015 SNAP Conference
Sex With a Pastor: An Affair or Abuse? by Cameron Altaras
When Wolves Wear Shepherds Clothing : Helping Women Survive Clergy Sexual Abuse by Diana R. Garland
It is Not an Affair: It is Abuse (by David K. Pooler)
Baptist Women in Ministry
Feel Like You Were Brainwashed by the Narcissist? by Kim Saaed
7 Tactics of Brainwashing Abusers
Trauma Bonds Explain the Connection with a Narcissist
by Fairy Tail Shadows
Why Adult Victims of Clergy Sexual Abuse are not to Blame by Mark Scheffers
Adults are also Groomed for Sexual Abuse. I was. By a Church Pastor.
The Grooming Behavior of Pastoral Predators – Part 1
The Grooming Behavior of Pastoral Predators – Part 2
How Pastor-Abusers Choose their Targets
The Psychology of Adult Sexual Grooming
Clergy Sexual Abuse of Adults Myths
The Hope of Survivors
Listen Carefully
Survivors Awaken the Church
Take Courage - Decisions
AdvocateWeb
RAINN
SNAP Network
ANONYMOUS: From Someone Injured by the Church
An Open Letter to Sexual Assault Survivors by Kristy Burmeister
Hope and Restoration After Abuse
The videos were taken from the live presentation of the “Hope & Restoration After Sexual Abuse”
seminar presented at The Summit Church May 23 and 25, 2013.
Neuroscience reveals the shocking impact narcissistic abuse has on the brain by Lachlin Brown
How the Brain Changes in a Relationship with a Narcissist
with Dr. Rhonda Freeman (podcast or video)
by One Broken Mom Amee' Quiriconi
Safe Sheep Church Abuse Awareness (Facebook Page)
I'm Going to Repeat This Until it Sinks In (for PTSD Survivors & Their Supporters)
What Kind of Woman Does An Abusive Man Go For
While this article is written to victims of domestic abuse, I believe it applies to all targets of narcissistic abuse
The Five Lies that Victims Believe
Mike Philips, Listen Carefully
3 Things to Remember When Reporting Sexual Abuse
by Sheila Wray Gregoire
Shunning in the Church
by Deborah Brunt (Key Truths)
One of seven articles on victims of toxic churches
Victor Not Victim
Survivor of Sexual Abuse, Freed from Victim, Saved by Grace
Psalm 139 - Playing with Poetry
Survivors and the Suffering of Jesus
by Boz Tchividjian
10 Toxic Stages of Performance Based Christianity
by Mark DeJesus
The One Thing That Defines Spiritual Abuse -- with Connie Baker
How to Accept the Apology You Never Received
While this article is written in relation to surviving an abusive marriage,
it has beneficial information for all victims of abusive relationships
Thoughts from a Survivor of Hell
by Joel Horst
Should I trust Christian media to share my deeply painful church abuse story?
by Julie Anne Smith - Spiritual Sounding Board
Resources for Self Care after Trauma
Self-Care After Trauma | RAINN
Traumatic Memories:? Aundi Kolber on a "game changing" way of treating them
Self-Care Checklist for Dealing with PTSD Trauma Triggers
Complex Trauma Healing Infographics
Caring for Yourself after Sexual Violence
Living with Trauma: How to Cope with Flashbacks
Why Do Trauma Survivors Develop Depression?
Psychology Today - Arash Emamzadeh
Healing from Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD
Lilly Hope Lucario
Post Traumatic Stress (Seminar Videos) by Brad Hambrick
The Psychology of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - TED Ed
Help! I'm Panicking! Grounding Exercises for Strong Emotions
The Ticking Time Bomb of Unprocessed Trauma
by G. Donald Cribbs
Caring for Yourself after Sexual Violence
Free e-learning with unlimited access by Dr. Jessica Taylor
5 Signs of Narcissistic Therapists
(The Ultimate Covert Wolves in Sheep's Clothing)
by Shahida Arabi
Self-Care After Trauma | RAINN
Traumatic Memories:? Aundi Kolber on a "game changing" way of treating them
Self-Care Checklist for Dealing with PTSD Trauma Triggers
Complex Trauma Healing Infographics
Caring for Yourself after Sexual Violence
Living with Trauma: How to Cope with Flashbacks
Why Do Trauma Survivors Develop Depression?
Psychology Today - Arash Emamzadeh
Healing from Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD
Lilly Hope Lucario
Post Traumatic Stress (Seminar Videos) by Brad Hambrick
The Psychology of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - TED Ed
Help! I'm Panicking! Grounding Exercises for Strong Emotions
The Ticking Time Bomb of Unprocessed Trauma
by G. Donald Cribbs
Caring for Yourself after Sexual Violence
Free e-learning with unlimited access by Dr. Jessica Taylor
5 Signs of Narcissistic Therapists
(The Ultimate Covert Wolves in Sheep's Clothing)
by Shahida Arabi
Text Version: The Church's Sexual Abuse Crisis: Our Open Letter to Women in the Church (By Missio Alliance)
Reading helped me to understand abuse, abusers, and healing from abuse.
Books I Recommend
Click on the title for the link to purchase
** Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas, LCSW
** Traumatized by Religious Abuse: Courage, Hope and Freedom for Survivors by Connie Baker
** Out of the Fog: Moving From Confusion to Clarity after Narcissistic Abuse by Dana Morningstar
Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie
The Heart Handbook by Laura Mangin McDonald, MA LPC
Mending the Soul by Steven R. Tracy
Goliath Must Fall by Louie Giglio
She is Free by Andi Andrew
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
** Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship by Adelyn Birch
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No by Henry Cloud
Wholeheartedness by Chuck DeGroat
Think Differently Live Differently by Bob Hamp
On the Threshold of Hope by Diane Mandt Langberg, PH.D.
** Broken Trust by F. Remy Diederich
** Healing Every Day: A 90-Devotional Journey by Mary DeMuth
** Shame & Grace: Healing the Shame We Don't Deserve by Lewis B. Smedes
We Too: How the Church Can Respond Redemptively to the Sexual Abuse Crisis by Mary E. DeMuth
The #metoo Reckoning: Facing the Church's Complicity in Sexual Abuse and Misconduct by Ruth Everhart
Healing Together: A Guide to Supporting Sexual Abuse Survivors by Anne Marie Miller
Try Softer: A Fresh Approach to Move Us Out of Anxiety, Stress and Survival Mode--And into a Life of Connection and Joy by Aundi Kolber
Trauma Bonding: Understanding and Overcoming the Traumatic Bond in a Narcissistic Relationship by Lauren Kozlowski
The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick Carnes PhD
** The Highly Sensitive Person's Guide to Dealing with Toxic People: How to Reclaim Your Power from Narcissists and Other Manipulators
by Shahida Arabi MA
Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.
Berthold Auerbach
Berthold Auerbach
Paul tells the church in Colossae, "Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts." Colossians 3:16. Music really ministers to me and I listen to remind myself of God’s Word and Promises all day long. I created a playlist of songs that remind me that I am clean, I am free, and how much God loves me. Here's my playlist on Spotify
Here’s my playlist
Here’s my playlist
|
|
|