Prevention takes work, but not as much work
as healing and recovery after boundary violations!
as healing and recovery after boundary violations!
I recently came across this online booklet, Safe Connections: What Parishioners Can Do to Understand and Prevent Clergy Sexual Abuse, by the Reverend Jan Erickson-Pearson, for Members of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America. Parts of it are very specific to the ELCA, but the majority of it is applicable to all churches. It's an 81-page booklet so I have written a summary below. It will take all of us, the church leadership and parishioners/congregations to put an end to clergy sexual abuse in our churches. But I believe if we all work together, we can do this!
Introduction
Clergy sexual abuse, whenever it occurs, causes serious disruption to the lives of those individuals involved, to their families and close friends, to the local congregation or other ministry setting, and to the larger church. Sometimes this disruption is felt right away; in other situations, the enormity of the betrayal becomes apparent over time. While it is always the responsibility of the pastor to maintain the integrity of the pastoral relationship, we want parishioners to have as many tools as possible to help them steer clear of this disaster. Jesus said, “I have come that they may have life and have it abundantly.” This resource is offered in commitment to that gospel, so that God’s people might know the power of new life in Christ, and might have it in abundance!
“Set up road markers for yourself, make yourself guideposts; consider well the highway, the road by which you went.” (Jeremiah 31:21)
Introduction
Clergy sexual abuse, whenever it occurs, causes serious disruption to the lives of those individuals involved, to their families and close friends, to the local congregation or other ministry setting, and to the larger church. Sometimes this disruption is felt right away; in other situations, the enormity of the betrayal becomes apparent over time. While it is always the responsibility of the pastor to maintain the integrity of the pastoral relationship, we want parishioners to have as many tools as possible to help them steer clear of this disaster. Jesus said, “I have come that they may have life and have it abundantly.” This resource is offered in commitment to that gospel, so that God’s people might know the power of new life in Christ, and might have it in abundance!
“Set up road markers for yourself, make yourself guideposts; consider well the highway, the road by which you went.” (Jeremiah 31:21)
SAFE CONNECTIONS: WHAT ARE THEY?
Reverend Jan Erickson-Pearson begins this section by talking about driving the freeway daily to get to work. What must be done for everyone to arrive safely to keep from crashing. The white lines painted on the road keep us safe. They keep us from crashing into each other, or running other cars off the road. They make it safe for us to be on the road at the same time, moving alongside one another, going where we need to go. We are talking a lot about “boundaries” these days. This is new language for many of us. The concept, however, is ancient. Boundaries are a way of talking about honor and respect, about not invading or crashing into another person—emotionally, physically, spiritually. Boundaries are like those lanes of traffic, designed to keep us moving safely together, alongside one another, without colliding or running each other off the road.
Boundaries are a gift from God!
Boundaries in relationship work to keep us faithful to the purpose of that relationship.
How are boundaries important?
Boundaries make it possible for us to travel together on the same roadway, at the same time, without crashing. They encourage respect and regard for the dignity and safety of others. Boundaries help to remind and prevent us from taking or using what is not ours to use or to possess. Boundaries make it possible for us to negotiate our way safely in relationships. We can proceed in trust that the relationship is dedicated to certain purposes, that we won’t be violated, or run off the road.
Clergy sexual abuse is a boundary violation. That is, sexual activity in the context of a relationship between parishioner and pastor is an improper use of that relationship. It is devastating almost all of the time.
Reverend Jan Erickson-Pearson begins this section by talking about driving the freeway daily to get to work. What must be done for everyone to arrive safely to keep from crashing. The white lines painted on the road keep us safe. They keep us from crashing into each other, or running other cars off the road. They make it safe for us to be on the road at the same time, moving alongside one another, going where we need to go. We are talking a lot about “boundaries” these days. This is new language for many of us. The concept, however, is ancient. Boundaries are a way of talking about honor and respect, about not invading or crashing into another person—emotionally, physically, spiritually. Boundaries are like those lanes of traffic, designed to keep us moving safely together, alongside one another, without colliding or running each other off the road.
Boundaries are a gift from God!
Boundaries in relationship work to keep us faithful to the purpose of that relationship.
How are boundaries important?
Boundaries make it possible for us to travel together on the same roadway, at the same time, without crashing. They encourage respect and regard for the dignity and safety of others. Boundaries help to remind and prevent us from taking or using what is not ours to use or to possess. Boundaries make it possible for us to negotiate our way safely in relationships. We can proceed in trust that the relationship is dedicated to certain purposes, that we won’t be violated, or run off the road.
Clergy sexual abuse is a boundary violation. That is, sexual activity in the context of a relationship between parishioner and pastor is an improper use of that relationship. It is devastating almost all of the time.
Healthy congregations need healthy boundaries.
Especially in the church, in congregational life, healthy respect for boundaries is essential. This is true between lay members, and between laity and clergy. We are invited to bring our most precious, burning, intimate hopes, desires and needs into our life with Christ and with his people. Thus, we are especially vulnerable here. We need to be all the more watchful of our own, and of other’s needs for safety and trust. “Sanctuary,” is our word for the space where we come to worship and bring ourselves to God, in the company of others. It implies a place of safety, refuge, shelter. Our very life together as the people of God is to be a sanctuary, a place apart, a preserve or reservation, of integrity and respect. The ancient tradition of sanctuary provided a safe haven, off limits to intruders and invaders. Each of us has the personal responsibility to use our wisdom and experience, and the resources available to us in any given moment, to make sure that appropriate boundaries—of both kinds— are in place and are well respected.
Standard expectations of pastors
All pastors are expected to have special knowledge, resources, authorization, standards, and accountability for the sake of carrying out ministry.
What makes the pastoral relationship unique? Our relationships with pastors are based upon our expectation that pastors bring certain essential resources into this relationship, for the purpose of connecting us to the gospel of Jesus Christ, and helping us to see and to know the gospel of God’s transforming and eternal grace, manifest in Jesus’ life, death and resurrection. By virtue of ordination, the pastor has been authorized and credentialed to carry out ministry on behalf of this church, and with its authority. This confers a certain status on the pastor within the larger community, providing the pastor with opportunities and responsibilities, with freedom as well as accountability. This gives power to the pastor, for the sake of ministry, in relationship to parishioners and to the whole church.
A unique relationship with important boundaries
The pastor’s relationship with parishioners is an especially unique relationship. As parishioners, we enter into that relationship in trust, expecting that whatever occurs in the course of the relationship will be directed to that pastoral purpose. We offer and agree to share certain information with pastors solely for the purpose of their using it to help us deepen our relationship to Christ, our reliance on God’s grace, and our confidence in God’s mercy and eternal love. The boundary in the pastor/parishioner relationship arises out of the purpose of that relationship. We share vulnerable and intimate aspects of ourselves with pastors, and we allow them to “touch” us in the deepest places because we trust that they are acting and speaking with authority and purpose. We trust them to act in ways that help us. We trust pastors to respect our dignity and privacy, to guard our safety and encourage our growth. We trust them to act in ways that help us to know Jesus.
Boundaries keep the connection safe
Pastoral ministry abounds with opportunities for unobserved behavior. Pastors spend a good part of their time alone with individuals. And many pastors are unsupervised, without office staff or colleagues to notice their comings and goings. The Church expects pastors to have the maturity and self-discipline necessary to respect and guard appropriate boundaries, even when they are not subject to outside scrutiny. For most pastors, this comes quite naturally. Internal regulation, discipline, and monitoring are simply a part of who they are. Some pastors carry within them the wounds of life experience that make it difficult or even impossible to resist the temptation to cross boundaries. They are not able to be internally disciplined. These pastors are likely to create harmful and hurtful situations wherever they go. It is impossible for any congregation, or for this church overall, to be capable of supervising and monitoring the activity of all pastors at all times. We need to be able to depend upon pastors to be responsible for their own decisions.
Mutual respect for boundaries
Pastors, like everyone else, are responsible to set appropriate limits around themselves (so they are not all used up), and for themselves (so they do not use others). It is important for parishioners to be alert to signs that this is not happening. For their part, parishioners can accept responsibility to be careful to respect the pastor’s healthy boundaries.
Responsibility for the boundary
Because the pastor has responsibility for the relationship that comes from the specific commitments and expectations of that ministry, it is always the pastor’s responsibility to make decisions about the relationship—the nature, kind, or quality of the interaction—based upon those commitments to the parishioner and the church’s expectation: to make Jesus known. Every party to any relationship has a personal responsibility to proceed in a healthy and loving fashion. None of us is ever free from all responsibility in any given relationship. However, in the relationship between a pastor and parishioner, the pastor has more than personal responsibility for his or her behavior; the pastor has a responsibility to the office, to the church, and to Christ, for the sake of the purpose of that relationship. The pastor has a sacred, vocational responsibility to uphold the commitments and expectations that gave rise to the relationship. Every parishioner is urged to be alert and attentive to maintaining the appropriate boundaries in relation to your pastor. However, in times of crisis—confusion, depression, other illness, and sorrow—it is reasonable for you to trust that your pastor will faithfully carry out this responsibility, and will not take advantage of your impairment or vulnerability. This church provides a means of holding its pastors to account for this sacred trust. Every church should have a policy for responding to complaints and concerns about sexual abuse and other boundary violations. Processes of discipline should be in place to help the church provide a safe connection.. When pastors fail in their responsibility for maintaining this safe connection, the church is empowered to take action to remove them from those opportunities that enable them to use others and to derail the mission of the church.
Discipline of pastors is a matter of removing individuals from environments where they can harm others. It is about safety: Providing or restoring a safe connection between the people and the gospel. It is not a comment on the pastor’s eternal value and worth. It is not a commentary on their fine preaching or other skills for ministry. It is a careful determination, by those individuals responsible for the safety of the people and of the gospel, that this person cannot be trusted to refrain from hurting others by violating important boundaries. This discipline is distinct from the matter of forgiveness. The offender may be truly sorry, but still not free from the overwhelming temptation to hurt others, or to lie, or steal, or whatever the offense may be. We can forgive an offender and still not sanction their free and unfettered access to and participation within the community. Being a pastor is a privilege, not a right. And it is the right of the community of faith, the church, to make decisions about who is trust¬worthy to serve in that position of responsibility and power. When serious offenses are committed, the church has the responsibility to remove the offender from the position or place that provides opportunity for that offense to be carried out. These boundary violations may be sexual, or fiscal, or related to other ethical breaches, or heresy. All of them are dangerous.
Especially in the church, in congregational life, healthy respect for boundaries is essential. This is true between lay members, and between laity and clergy. We are invited to bring our most precious, burning, intimate hopes, desires and needs into our life with Christ and with his people. Thus, we are especially vulnerable here. We need to be all the more watchful of our own, and of other’s needs for safety and trust. “Sanctuary,” is our word for the space where we come to worship and bring ourselves to God, in the company of others. It implies a place of safety, refuge, shelter. Our very life together as the people of God is to be a sanctuary, a place apart, a preserve or reservation, of integrity and respect. The ancient tradition of sanctuary provided a safe haven, off limits to intruders and invaders. Each of us has the personal responsibility to use our wisdom and experience, and the resources available to us in any given moment, to make sure that appropriate boundaries—of both kinds— are in place and are well respected.
Standard expectations of pastors
All pastors are expected to have special knowledge, resources, authorization, standards, and accountability for the sake of carrying out ministry.
What makes the pastoral relationship unique? Our relationships with pastors are based upon our expectation that pastors bring certain essential resources into this relationship, for the purpose of connecting us to the gospel of Jesus Christ, and helping us to see and to know the gospel of God’s transforming and eternal grace, manifest in Jesus’ life, death and resurrection. By virtue of ordination, the pastor has been authorized and credentialed to carry out ministry on behalf of this church, and with its authority. This confers a certain status on the pastor within the larger community, providing the pastor with opportunities and responsibilities, with freedom as well as accountability. This gives power to the pastor, for the sake of ministry, in relationship to parishioners and to the whole church.
A unique relationship with important boundaries
The pastor’s relationship with parishioners is an especially unique relationship. As parishioners, we enter into that relationship in trust, expecting that whatever occurs in the course of the relationship will be directed to that pastoral purpose. We offer and agree to share certain information with pastors solely for the purpose of their using it to help us deepen our relationship to Christ, our reliance on God’s grace, and our confidence in God’s mercy and eternal love. The boundary in the pastor/parishioner relationship arises out of the purpose of that relationship. We share vulnerable and intimate aspects of ourselves with pastors, and we allow them to “touch” us in the deepest places because we trust that they are acting and speaking with authority and purpose. We trust them to act in ways that help us. We trust pastors to respect our dignity and privacy, to guard our safety and encourage our growth. We trust them to act in ways that help us to know Jesus.
Boundaries keep the connection safe
Pastoral ministry abounds with opportunities for unobserved behavior. Pastors spend a good part of their time alone with individuals. And many pastors are unsupervised, without office staff or colleagues to notice their comings and goings. The Church expects pastors to have the maturity and self-discipline necessary to respect and guard appropriate boundaries, even when they are not subject to outside scrutiny. For most pastors, this comes quite naturally. Internal regulation, discipline, and monitoring are simply a part of who they are. Some pastors carry within them the wounds of life experience that make it difficult or even impossible to resist the temptation to cross boundaries. They are not able to be internally disciplined. These pastors are likely to create harmful and hurtful situations wherever they go. It is impossible for any congregation, or for this church overall, to be capable of supervising and monitoring the activity of all pastors at all times. We need to be able to depend upon pastors to be responsible for their own decisions.
Mutual respect for boundaries
Pastors, like everyone else, are responsible to set appropriate limits around themselves (so they are not all used up), and for themselves (so they do not use others). It is important for parishioners to be alert to signs that this is not happening. For their part, parishioners can accept responsibility to be careful to respect the pastor’s healthy boundaries.
Responsibility for the boundary
Because the pastor has responsibility for the relationship that comes from the specific commitments and expectations of that ministry, it is always the pastor’s responsibility to make decisions about the relationship—the nature, kind, or quality of the interaction—based upon those commitments to the parishioner and the church’s expectation: to make Jesus known. Every party to any relationship has a personal responsibility to proceed in a healthy and loving fashion. None of us is ever free from all responsibility in any given relationship. However, in the relationship between a pastor and parishioner, the pastor has more than personal responsibility for his or her behavior; the pastor has a responsibility to the office, to the church, and to Christ, for the sake of the purpose of that relationship. The pastor has a sacred, vocational responsibility to uphold the commitments and expectations that gave rise to the relationship. Every parishioner is urged to be alert and attentive to maintaining the appropriate boundaries in relation to your pastor. However, in times of crisis—confusion, depression, other illness, and sorrow—it is reasonable for you to trust that your pastor will faithfully carry out this responsibility, and will not take advantage of your impairment or vulnerability. This church provides a means of holding its pastors to account for this sacred trust. Every church should have a policy for responding to complaints and concerns about sexual abuse and other boundary violations. Processes of discipline should be in place to help the church provide a safe connection.. When pastors fail in their responsibility for maintaining this safe connection, the church is empowered to take action to remove them from those opportunities that enable them to use others and to derail the mission of the church.
Discipline of pastors is a matter of removing individuals from environments where they can harm others. It is about safety: Providing or restoring a safe connection between the people and the gospel. It is not a comment on the pastor’s eternal value and worth. It is not a commentary on their fine preaching or other skills for ministry. It is a careful determination, by those individuals responsible for the safety of the people and of the gospel, that this person cannot be trusted to refrain from hurting others by violating important boundaries. This discipline is distinct from the matter of forgiveness. The offender may be truly sorry, but still not free from the overwhelming temptation to hurt others, or to lie, or steal, or whatever the offense may be. We can forgive an offender and still not sanction their free and unfettered access to and participation within the community. Being a pastor is a privilege, not a right. And it is the right of the community of faith, the church, to make decisions about who is trust¬worthy to serve in that position of responsibility and power. When serious offenses are committed, the church has the responsibility to remove the offender from the position or place that provides opportunity for that offense to be carried out. These boundary violations may be sexual, or fiscal, or related to other ethical breaches, or heresy. All of them are dangerous.
WHAT IS CLERGY SEXUAL ABUSE?
Clergy sexual abuse is a boundary violation. Sexual activity in the context of a relationship between parishioner and pastor is an improper and harmful use of that relationship. Clergy sexual abuse violates the sacred purpose of the pastoral relationship.
Trusting the boundary to hold
We come to pastors, we listen to and trust them because we believe they have resources we need, gifts and wisdom to enrich our life: insight that will provide guidance, compassion that helps us to know God’s own healing power. We reveal intimate hopes and fears, needs and transgressions to pastors, not for their own information or prurient interest, not to provide sermon illustrations, entertainment, or food for thought, and certainly not to feed their fantasies or somehow meet their own deep needs. Rather, we bring these parts of ourselves, indeed our whole selves, to our pastors so that they can help us truly to believe that God has forgiven us and frees us to walk in newness of life. We tell of our hurts and wounds, our secrets and dreams, not for the sake of benefit to our pastors, but so they can help us to see the healing spotlight of God’s love shine on our sorrow and fear, transforming it to joy and hope. We reveal our weakness and vulnerability to our pastors not so they can exploit and bend us to satisfy their own longings, but so we can find a way through the present darkness and move safely into refuge.
Sexual boundaries are essential for safe connections
Now is the time to decide never to have a sexual relationship with your pastor. Most pastors never become sexually involved with parishioners. However, we know from painful experience that some pastors do become involved in a sexual way with parishioners, and the consequences are, almost without exception, devastating for everyone. Some individuals assume that sexual relationships between a pastor and parishioner are always the result of a seduction by the parishioner. This is not the case, as we know now for sure. Most of the sexual contact between pastors and parishioners is initiated by the pastor. It is the invasion of an alien agenda into an especially purposeful relationship, a crash that results from a pastor attempting to drive, as it were, in someone else’s lane. The pastor may be trying to ignore his or her professional role and drive in the lane marked “peer” or “just a guy” or “lonely person.” Or the pastor may be squeezing into a lane virtually on top of someone else’s space, crashing into that person, stealing the space away. Tragically, the crash results in much more than superficial damage. All too often, the parishioner is run off the road—into a ditch of doubt, depression, fear, betrayal, and shame. This behavior is a violation of the boundary established to protect and fulfill the purpose of the pastoral relationship. It is the misuse or abuse of a space dedicated to one sacred purpose, warping it to serve an unintended and destructive purpose.
What behaviors are considered clergy sexual abuse?
Clergy sexual abuse is the term we use to describe a wide range of behaviors and activities that are sexually explicit, physically intimate or suggestive, or sexually charged. These may include sexual intercourse, other genital sexual activity, other physical contact that is sexual in nature, sexual language, suggestions, confessions, looking at sexually explicit or suggestive material, and other behaviors that carry sexualized energy and intention. Clergy sexual abuse is sexual activity and/or contact between pastors and parishioners, or between clergy and those individuals who look to them for pastoral leadership and care. Even those behaviors which seem relatively innocuous may be extremely harmful to certain individuals, thus all sexualized activity is off limits because it is impossible for the pastor to know in advance what the implications of that behavior may be for any given parishioner. This sexualized behavior is clergy sexual abuse. It is more than personal misconduct, more than personal sin; it is the abuse of power, of resources, of privilege and trust. Clergy sexual abuse is the pastor’s failure to be responsible for the boundary that is entrusted to pastors to preserve. It is stealing the trust of parishioners, stealing the purpose of the pastoral relationship and directing these to one’s own needs and desires. It steals the self-respect, dignity, and concerns of the parishioner. It robs the church of its role as a place of sanctuary, safety, healing. Clergy sexual abuse is the often deliberate intention of the pastor to use the resources of the pastoral office, and the relative vulnerability of the parishioner in the context of a pastoral relationship, to satisfy personal needs and desires rather than work purposefully for the benefit of the parishioner. Whether or not the sexual behavior is intentionally deceptive or coercive, whether or not the sexual behavior is carefully planned or develops accidentally, casually, carelessly, it is still abuse because of the misuse of the resources, or power, of the office.
What is the responsibility of the parishioner?
We know that we have to drive defensively these days. It is not enough for us to follow the rules of the road and keep from being a safety hazard to others. The reality is that we have to be on the alert, constantly watching out and dodging others who venture where they don’t belong. While the pastor is always responsible, by virtue of the church’s expectation, to maintain the safety of the boundary of our relationship, it is important and reasonable for parishioners to be on the alert, too, prepared to safeguard the integrity of the pastoral relationship. This boundary is to provide safety for the parishioner in the relationship with their pastor, assurance that the relationship can proceed according to its purpose. The pastor/parishioner relationship exists for one purpose: to help the parishioner see Jesus and know God’s purpose and power. Sexual contact between pastor and parishioner does not ever serve this purpose.
You have every right and the personal responsibility to say “No!” To maintain that boundary. To keep the connection between you safe, dedicated, and focused on its purpose. It is not appropriate for your pastor to initiate or engage in sexualized activity or behaviors with you, or any other parishioner. It puts up a barrier between you and the gospel. It distorts, perverts, undermines and redirects your trust in the gospel. Pastors may become especially vulnerable to transgressing boundaries, or allowing their own boundaries to become violated when they are going through periods of personal distress and/or illness. It is particularly important for parishioners to be alert, cautious, and considerate at such times. If your pastor engages in sexualized activity with parishioners, your pastor is not doing what he or she was called there to do.
Why is this boundary so important?
Why is this sexual contact so dangerous? Sexual intimacy and involvement is a profoundly intimate, precious, and sacred part of human life. It is precisely because of the great value of sexuality in our lives that we seek to respect and guard our safety in the context of sexual relationships. Sexuality is so important, we seek to reserve it only for those relationships where mutuality and unconditional love, trust and respect, enable us to give and receive this gift fully and freely, as God has intended. It is not a means to any end; it is an end, to be enjoyed, in itself. Pastors who seek sexual relationships with parishioners generally are seeking to satisfy something else, in addition to or other than, the sexual feeling of desire or lust. Pastors who seek sexual contact with parishioners choose these relationships precisely because of their feeling the need to dominate, to exercise power and control, to hold sway over someone. Often, unfortunately, the pastor who engages in sexual relationships with parishioners does, in fact, engage in sexualized relationships with more than one parishioner. These relationships may be concurrent, consecutive, or a series, over a long period of time.
Sexual betrayal stirs deep, primitive, and powerful feelings of shame and guilt within us. Many taboos are violated, none of them generally acceptable for conversation. The secrecy, the threats—whether perceived or real—intensify our experience of shame. There may well be no one we can tell about this experience, no one we feel safe trusting at this time. It may stay hidden and trapped within us for years and years and years. We have been violated at sacred places: Our sexuality is precious and sacred; the church is precious and sacred. Both have been violated.
Usually, there is some sort of rationalizing of the behavior, spoken by the pastor, that attempts to make it right, because God would want it to happen. The lies and deception—the betrayal, then—is not just about human interaction, it is a lie to us about God. Spoken by one authorized to speak in the community of God’s people, for God. Who, then, can I trust? Not even God, to provide a faithful witness. Not even God, to protect me from this. The great tragedy of clergy sexual abuse is that God is used to perpetrate the violation. This is heresy and an abomination. “God would want you to have this gift....” “God will bless you for serving Him by serving me....” “This is from God, to you, through me....” The pastor has been called to serve, to feed, to give God’s people the gospel, the Bread of Life—not to give or impose the pastor’s own body, desires, needs or weaknesses. The prophet Ezekiel has powerful words about how the shepherds—the priests or clergy—of his time were failing to care for the sheep—the people of Israel. Thus says the Lord GOD: Ah, you shepherds of Israel who have been feeding yourselves! Should not shepherds feed the sheep?...no longer shall the shepherds feed themselves. I will rescue my sheep from their mouths, so that they may not be food for them. (Ezekiel 34:1-10) Ezekiel describes how the sheep have been scattered and left to fend off wild prey. The weak have not been strengthened, the sick have not been healed, the injured have not received care, and the lost have not been sought out. Instead of feeding the sheep, this text suggests that the shepherds have been devouring the sheep! These behaviors will gravely hurt the individuals involved, those close to them, members of the congregation and the wider church.
Where to draw the line? What is the safe limit?
Sexual contact between pastors and parishioners involves a range of behaviors. Often, but not always, it is intimidating and unwelcome. These may include physical, sexual contact, including sexual intercourse. “Sexualized behaviors” can set the tone for later intimacy, or may constitute the sum of the boundary violation. These sexualized behaviors may include certain gestures, remarks, certain kinds of touch, looks, gifts, invitations, suggestions, a high level of availability (“you can call me anytime, I’m always here for you,”), self-disclosure by the pastor of intimate information, comments that are suggestive, inviting, probing, or beseeching.
The safe limit, the safe boundary in any relationship is one that does not feel disruptive or invasive, is mutually agreed upon and respected, and is respectful both of the people involved and of the purpose of their relationship. Articles in the secular press have sought to clarify the distinction between “flirting” and “friendliness.” They suggest that sexualized energy and intention is sometimes communicated through the same behaviors that otherwise might be simply bubbly, effusive friendliness. However, batting eyelids, stroking one’s skin in a sensuous way, licking one’s lips repeatedly, “parading,” certain gestures of brushing one’s hair away, are usually flirting behaviors. Prolonged, direct and probing eye contact is provocative. Touching on intimate body places, stroking the hands or other places of the other person’s body—these are generally sexually charged and motivated behaviors. If in doubt, they say, be alert. Do you feel sexual tension? Interest? Do you stop at a mirror before seeing this person, even though you normally don’t? Check your hair? Put on lipstick? If you are preparing in a way that is out of the ordinary for you, you may be unconsciously gearing up for a sexual encounter, an exchange of sexual energy and interest. Ask yourself, why am I doing this? What do I want? What do I need? Is this an appropriate place to seek it? Refrain from the sexually motivated behavior. And proceed cautiously through the encounter. Find support and care for your needs—later, from someone else. It is dangerous to invite the pastor to reflect on this with you; that itself is sexualized behavior and will change forever the character of your relationship. Not all touch is flirtatious. Not all sexual comments are intended to invite a sexual response. Not all assertive friendliness is flirtatious. And not all flirting is inappropriate. But within the pastoral relationship, flirting is sexualized contact, and it is out of bounds.
The sympathetic touches, on the arm, the hand, the shoulder, meant to express concern, support, and encouragement are usually well received. And if not, we find a way to acknowledge the error, apologize if need be, and move on. This kind of touch is not the problem. Touching that becomes rubbing, petting, patting, caressing, smoothing, or massaging is a problem. And any touch that takes advantage of individuals whose ability to send out those involuntary shudders or frozen reactions, or to verbally say, “no,” has been impaired, for any reason, is a problem. Touching that is sexual abuse is that which uses the parishioner to provide sexual pleasure and release, to express fantasies, to manipulate or coerce, to pressure or threaten, to invade and to hold. It may be fleeting or prolonged. It may be wanted or not welcome. And it may or may not be formally actionable, as a matter for discipline.
Who decides if it’s not appropriate?
It is not simply the matter of the sender’s intentions that determine whether or not an action is sexually charged and uncomfortable to the one hearing or receiving it. The receiver decides if the behavior is unwelcome and unwanted, if it is provocative and disturbing, irrespective of the sender’s intention. In most respectful relationships, including in the parish, when this boundary of civility and respect is crossed, the matter is noted, forgiveness is sought, “I beg your pardon,” “I’m terribly sorry; I offended you,” even “Whoops! I made a mistake,” and pardon is granted. However, in abusive relationships, the intruder will not accept responsibility for the invasive behavior and its effect. Often, the behavior does not stop and may even escalate. The receiver of the offensive behavior is blamed for being too sensitive, too something, and is dumped with all responsibility for the way in which this behavior is experienced. The offender may seek to justify the behavior by claiming it was provoked, solicited, or evoked in some way. This is not likely, but even if such was the case, it would surely not justify continuing an unwanted or inappropriate behavior. The violation remains a source of hurt and the trust is broken. Sometimes this is as far as it goes. But even this kind of sexualized activity and energy can be enough to endanger and inhibit the pastoral relationship.
Different individuals respond in different ways to harassment and abuse
Most parishioners will rebuff the pastor’s unwelcome sexual comments and overtures. Many will feel unnerved for a time, awkward, and reluctant to seek out the pastor for any special care. Some may have difficulty in worship, squaring the sexually provocative behavior with the pious and authoritative visage in the pulpit, or at the altar. Some may determine to find another congregation, another pastor. Some may withdraw or stop attending. Some will decide this is the time to resign from the council or committee, to stop volunteering in the church office, to stop accompanying the pastor on shut-in visits. These individuals are not likely to reveal to others the motivation for these decisions. Some parishioners will become angry, cynical about the church, perhaps for reasons that seem vague and confusing to them and to others. They may not be able to acknowledge the dissonance they are experiencing. They may become depressed. Some will brush it off, “chalk it up,” and forget it happened. Our response even to this level of inappropriate behavior will depend on our past experiences, our expectations, our state of being on that day, how long and how intense the behavior goes on, and so forth. Some of us will be so frightened, scared, worried, intimidated, threatened, anxious, and depressed by this intrusion of sexual energy and attention, and the intentions of the pastor, we will be unable ever again to trust this pastor to provide ministry we need and expect. This is not our fault; it is simply the experience we have because of who we are and other experiences we have had. We thought we were driving in one lane, marked “parishioner” and our pastor was in another, marked “pastor,” but now—yikes! Here is the pastor!—crowding into this space we thought was reserved for our safety. And look, there is no pastor, in that lane over there, the one we thought was preserved for the pastoral relationship. The violation may well run us off the road. The crash may result in long-term injuries. Clearly, there is no safe place for a pastoral relationship anywhere in sight.
Clergy sexual abuse is a boundary violation. Sexual activity in the context of a relationship between parishioner and pastor is an improper and harmful use of that relationship. Clergy sexual abuse violates the sacred purpose of the pastoral relationship.
Trusting the boundary to hold
We come to pastors, we listen to and trust them because we believe they have resources we need, gifts and wisdom to enrich our life: insight that will provide guidance, compassion that helps us to know God’s own healing power. We reveal intimate hopes and fears, needs and transgressions to pastors, not for their own information or prurient interest, not to provide sermon illustrations, entertainment, or food for thought, and certainly not to feed their fantasies or somehow meet their own deep needs. Rather, we bring these parts of ourselves, indeed our whole selves, to our pastors so that they can help us truly to believe that God has forgiven us and frees us to walk in newness of life. We tell of our hurts and wounds, our secrets and dreams, not for the sake of benefit to our pastors, but so they can help us to see the healing spotlight of God’s love shine on our sorrow and fear, transforming it to joy and hope. We reveal our weakness and vulnerability to our pastors not so they can exploit and bend us to satisfy their own longings, but so we can find a way through the present darkness and move safely into refuge.
Sexual boundaries are essential for safe connections
Now is the time to decide never to have a sexual relationship with your pastor. Most pastors never become sexually involved with parishioners. However, we know from painful experience that some pastors do become involved in a sexual way with parishioners, and the consequences are, almost without exception, devastating for everyone. Some individuals assume that sexual relationships between a pastor and parishioner are always the result of a seduction by the parishioner. This is not the case, as we know now for sure. Most of the sexual contact between pastors and parishioners is initiated by the pastor. It is the invasion of an alien agenda into an especially purposeful relationship, a crash that results from a pastor attempting to drive, as it were, in someone else’s lane. The pastor may be trying to ignore his or her professional role and drive in the lane marked “peer” or “just a guy” or “lonely person.” Or the pastor may be squeezing into a lane virtually on top of someone else’s space, crashing into that person, stealing the space away. Tragically, the crash results in much more than superficial damage. All too often, the parishioner is run off the road—into a ditch of doubt, depression, fear, betrayal, and shame. This behavior is a violation of the boundary established to protect and fulfill the purpose of the pastoral relationship. It is the misuse or abuse of a space dedicated to one sacred purpose, warping it to serve an unintended and destructive purpose.
What behaviors are considered clergy sexual abuse?
Clergy sexual abuse is the term we use to describe a wide range of behaviors and activities that are sexually explicit, physically intimate or suggestive, or sexually charged. These may include sexual intercourse, other genital sexual activity, other physical contact that is sexual in nature, sexual language, suggestions, confessions, looking at sexually explicit or suggestive material, and other behaviors that carry sexualized energy and intention. Clergy sexual abuse is sexual activity and/or contact between pastors and parishioners, or between clergy and those individuals who look to them for pastoral leadership and care. Even those behaviors which seem relatively innocuous may be extremely harmful to certain individuals, thus all sexualized activity is off limits because it is impossible for the pastor to know in advance what the implications of that behavior may be for any given parishioner. This sexualized behavior is clergy sexual abuse. It is more than personal misconduct, more than personal sin; it is the abuse of power, of resources, of privilege and trust. Clergy sexual abuse is the pastor’s failure to be responsible for the boundary that is entrusted to pastors to preserve. It is stealing the trust of parishioners, stealing the purpose of the pastoral relationship and directing these to one’s own needs and desires. It steals the self-respect, dignity, and concerns of the parishioner. It robs the church of its role as a place of sanctuary, safety, healing. Clergy sexual abuse is the often deliberate intention of the pastor to use the resources of the pastoral office, and the relative vulnerability of the parishioner in the context of a pastoral relationship, to satisfy personal needs and desires rather than work purposefully for the benefit of the parishioner. Whether or not the sexual behavior is intentionally deceptive or coercive, whether or not the sexual behavior is carefully planned or develops accidentally, casually, carelessly, it is still abuse because of the misuse of the resources, or power, of the office.
What is the responsibility of the parishioner?
We know that we have to drive defensively these days. It is not enough for us to follow the rules of the road and keep from being a safety hazard to others. The reality is that we have to be on the alert, constantly watching out and dodging others who venture where they don’t belong. While the pastor is always responsible, by virtue of the church’s expectation, to maintain the safety of the boundary of our relationship, it is important and reasonable for parishioners to be on the alert, too, prepared to safeguard the integrity of the pastoral relationship. This boundary is to provide safety for the parishioner in the relationship with their pastor, assurance that the relationship can proceed according to its purpose. The pastor/parishioner relationship exists for one purpose: to help the parishioner see Jesus and know God’s purpose and power. Sexual contact between pastor and parishioner does not ever serve this purpose.
You have every right and the personal responsibility to say “No!” To maintain that boundary. To keep the connection between you safe, dedicated, and focused on its purpose. It is not appropriate for your pastor to initiate or engage in sexualized activity or behaviors with you, or any other parishioner. It puts up a barrier between you and the gospel. It distorts, perverts, undermines and redirects your trust in the gospel. Pastors may become especially vulnerable to transgressing boundaries, or allowing their own boundaries to become violated when they are going through periods of personal distress and/or illness. It is particularly important for parishioners to be alert, cautious, and considerate at such times. If your pastor engages in sexualized activity with parishioners, your pastor is not doing what he or she was called there to do.
Why is this boundary so important?
Why is this sexual contact so dangerous? Sexual intimacy and involvement is a profoundly intimate, precious, and sacred part of human life. It is precisely because of the great value of sexuality in our lives that we seek to respect and guard our safety in the context of sexual relationships. Sexuality is so important, we seek to reserve it only for those relationships where mutuality and unconditional love, trust and respect, enable us to give and receive this gift fully and freely, as God has intended. It is not a means to any end; it is an end, to be enjoyed, in itself. Pastors who seek sexual relationships with parishioners generally are seeking to satisfy something else, in addition to or other than, the sexual feeling of desire or lust. Pastors who seek sexual contact with parishioners choose these relationships precisely because of their feeling the need to dominate, to exercise power and control, to hold sway over someone. Often, unfortunately, the pastor who engages in sexual relationships with parishioners does, in fact, engage in sexualized relationships with more than one parishioner. These relationships may be concurrent, consecutive, or a series, over a long period of time.
Sexual betrayal stirs deep, primitive, and powerful feelings of shame and guilt within us. Many taboos are violated, none of them generally acceptable for conversation. The secrecy, the threats—whether perceived or real—intensify our experience of shame. There may well be no one we can tell about this experience, no one we feel safe trusting at this time. It may stay hidden and trapped within us for years and years and years. We have been violated at sacred places: Our sexuality is precious and sacred; the church is precious and sacred. Both have been violated.
Usually, there is some sort of rationalizing of the behavior, spoken by the pastor, that attempts to make it right, because God would want it to happen. The lies and deception—the betrayal, then—is not just about human interaction, it is a lie to us about God. Spoken by one authorized to speak in the community of God’s people, for God. Who, then, can I trust? Not even God, to provide a faithful witness. Not even God, to protect me from this. The great tragedy of clergy sexual abuse is that God is used to perpetrate the violation. This is heresy and an abomination. “God would want you to have this gift....” “God will bless you for serving Him by serving me....” “This is from God, to you, through me....” The pastor has been called to serve, to feed, to give God’s people the gospel, the Bread of Life—not to give or impose the pastor’s own body, desires, needs or weaknesses. The prophet Ezekiel has powerful words about how the shepherds—the priests or clergy—of his time were failing to care for the sheep—the people of Israel. Thus says the Lord GOD: Ah, you shepherds of Israel who have been feeding yourselves! Should not shepherds feed the sheep?...no longer shall the shepherds feed themselves. I will rescue my sheep from their mouths, so that they may not be food for them. (Ezekiel 34:1-10) Ezekiel describes how the sheep have been scattered and left to fend off wild prey. The weak have not been strengthened, the sick have not been healed, the injured have not received care, and the lost have not been sought out. Instead of feeding the sheep, this text suggests that the shepherds have been devouring the sheep! These behaviors will gravely hurt the individuals involved, those close to them, members of the congregation and the wider church.
Where to draw the line? What is the safe limit?
Sexual contact between pastors and parishioners involves a range of behaviors. Often, but not always, it is intimidating and unwelcome. These may include physical, sexual contact, including sexual intercourse. “Sexualized behaviors” can set the tone for later intimacy, or may constitute the sum of the boundary violation. These sexualized behaviors may include certain gestures, remarks, certain kinds of touch, looks, gifts, invitations, suggestions, a high level of availability (“you can call me anytime, I’m always here for you,”), self-disclosure by the pastor of intimate information, comments that are suggestive, inviting, probing, or beseeching.
The safe limit, the safe boundary in any relationship is one that does not feel disruptive or invasive, is mutually agreed upon and respected, and is respectful both of the people involved and of the purpose of their relationship. Articles in the secular press have sought to clarify the distinction between “flirting” and “friendliness.” They suggest that sexualized energy and intention is sometimes communicated through the same behaviors that otherwise might be simply bubbly, effusive friendliness. However, batting eyelids, stroking one’s skin in a sensuous way, licking one’s lips repeatedly, “parading,” certain gestures of brushing one’s hair away, are usually flirting behaviors. Prolonged, direct and probing eye contact is provocative. Touching on intimate body places, stroking the hands or other places of the other person’s body—these are generally sexually charged and motivated behaviors. If in doubt, they say, be alert. Do you feel sexual tension? Interest? Do you stop at a mirror before seeing this person, even though you normally don’t? Check your hair? Put on lipstick? If you are preparing in a way that is out of the ordinary for you, you may be unconsciously gearing up for a sexual encounter, an exchange of sexual energy and interest. Ask yourself, why am I doing this? What do I want? What do I need? Is this an appropriate place to seek it? Refrain from the sexually motivated behavior. And proceed cautiously through the encounter. Find support and care for your needs—later, from someone else. It is dangerous to invite the pastor to reflect on this with you; that itself is sexualized behavior and will change forever the character of your relationship. Not all touch is flirtatious. Not all sexual comments are intended to invite a sexual response. Not all assertive friendliness is flirtatious. And not all flirting is inappropriate. But within the pastoral relationship, flirting is sexualized contact, and it is out of bounds.
The sympathetic touches, on the arm, the hand, the shoulder, meant to express concern, support, and encouragement are usually well received. And if not, we find a way to acknowledge the error, apologize if need be, and move on. This kind of touch is not the problem. Touching that becomes rubbing, petting, patting, caressing, smoothing, or massaging is a problem. And any touch that takes advantage of individuals whose ability to send out those involuntary shudders or frozen reactions, or to verbally say, “no,” has been impaired, for any reason, is a problem. Touching that is sexual abuse is that which uses the parishioner to provide sexual pleasure and release, to express fantasies, to manipulate or coerce, to pressure or threaten, to invade and to hold. It may be fleeting or prolonged. It may be wanted or not welcome. And it may or may not be formally actionable, as a matter for discipline.
Who decides if it’s not appropriate?
It is not simply the matter of the sender’s intentions that determine whether or not an action is sexually charged and uncomfortable to the one hearing or receiving it. The receiver decides if the behavior is unwelcome and unwanted, if it is provocative and disturbing, irrespective of the sender’s intention. In most respectful relationships, including in the parish, when this boundary of civility and respect is crossed, the matter is noted, forgiveness is sought, “I beg your pardon,” “I’m terribly sorry; I offended you,” even “Whoops! I made a mistake,” and pardon is granted. However, in abusive relationships, the intruder will not accept responsibility for the invasive behavior and its effect. Often, the behavior does not stop and may even escalate. The receiver of the offensive behavior is blamed for being too sensitive, too something, and is dumped with all responsibility for the way in which this behavior is experienced. The offender may seek to justify the behavior by claiming it was provoked, solicited, or evoked in some way. This is not likely, but even if such was the case, it would surely not justify continuing an unwanted or inappropriate behavior. The violation remains a source of hurt and the trust is broken. Sometimes this is as far as it goes. But even this kind of sexualized activity and energy can be enough to endanger and inhibit the pastoral relationship.
Different individuals respond in different ways to harassment and abuse
Most parishioners will rebuff the pastor’s unwelcome sexual comments and overtures. Many will feel unnerved for a time, awkward, and reluctant to seek out the pastor for any special care. Some may have difficulty in worship, squaring the sexually provocative behavior with the pious and authoritative visage in the pulpit, or at the altar. Some may determine to find another congregation, another pastor. Some may withdraw or stop attending. Some will decide this is the time to resign from the council or committee, to stop volunteering in the church office, to stop accompanying the pastor on shut-in visits. These individuals are not likely to reveal to others the motivation for these decisions. Some parishioners will become angry, cynical about the church, perhaps for reasons that seem vague and confusing to them and to others. They may not be able to acknowledge the dissonance they are experiencing. They may become depressed. Some will brush it off, “chalk it up,” and forget it happened. Our response even to this level of inappropriate behavior will depend on our past experiences, our expectations, our state of being on that day, how long and how intense the behavior goes on, and so forth. Some of us will be so frightened, scared, worried, intimidated, threatened, anxious, and depressed by this intrusion of sexual energy and attention, and the intentions of the pastor, we will be unable ever again to trust this pastor to provide ministry we need and expect. This is not our fault; it is simply the experience we have because of who we are and other experiences we have had. We thought we were driving in one lane, marked “parishioner” and our pastor was in another, marked “pastor,” but now—yikes! Here is the pastor!—crowding into this space we thought was reserved for our safety. And look, there is no pastor, in that lane over there, the one we thought was preserved for the pastoral relationship. The violation may well run us off the road. The crash may result in long-term injuries. Clearly, there is no safe place for a pastoral relationship anywhere in sight.
Clergy sexual abuse is misuse of power and resources
Sexual abuse is sexualized behavior that occurs in relationships that are not appropriately sexualized relationships. Pastoral relationships are examples of this. It is sexual abuse because it involves sexualized activity, interest, energy, or intent. It is sexual abuse because it is a violation of the boundary between us, and quite importantly, it is abuse because it is the misuse of power and resources given by the church to the pastor for one purpose and one purpose only: to make Jesus known.
“Just” an affair or is it abuse? If two adults are conducting a sexual relationship, isn’t this an affair? dating? courtship? Or plain old promiscuity? Why do we call this sexual abuse? The realities of vocational responsibility and commitment and power are never absent from the relationship between a pastor and a member of the congregation. The nature of the pastor’s relationship with a parishioner is always a singularly purposeful one: to make Jesus known. It does not lie within the purpose or scope of gospel ministry to seek and carry on sexual contact with parishioners. It does not lie within the scope of gospel ministry to seek to have personal, intimate needs met by congregational members or by others who look to the pastor for spiritual guidance and authority. We generally think of an “affair” as an adult relationship entered into by two mutually responsible and powerful, consenting individuals. Because of the added responsibility and power of the pastor in this relationship, it is never “just an affair.” Besides, since when is it okay to have “affairs”? As long as your pastor is your pastor, your pastor is always your pastor. This sentence may sound silly but the truth of it is very important. As long as that pastor is the pastor of your congregation, that person is your pastor. When the pastor becomes your lover, the pastor is still your pastor. Except that now your pastor will not be able to truly be a pastor to you. This reality is experienced by the spouses of pastors every day. Much of the time it is not a serious problem, but when a crisis arises—either in the marriage or because of illness, death or other concern—the pastor’s spouse finds it necessary to reach out for care provided by another pastor. If you choose to date your pastor, you will need to find another pastor right away, even if you continue to attend your church. Pastors are called to congregations and other institutions to travel in and through that place in a lane clearly marked at the beginning: “pastor.” While the lane marker sometimes becomes a broken rather than solid or double yellow line, and sometimes the lane markers seem almost invisible, nevertheless, the lane is always there and the pastor is always in it.
What are the consequences of clergy sexual abuse?
What happens when this boundary is crossed? Intimacy in this relationship is illusory. Secrecy and fear will inhibit trust and mutuality. We dare not confuse apparent access—the amount of time spent together—with quality of concern. The parishioner will find, as thousands have, to their dismay and horror, that the pastor is not there for them in this relationship but rather, the parishioner is there for the pastor. It may not seem so at first, but this reality will come sooner, or perhaps, much later. Whenever it comes, the effect will be exceedingly painful and damaging of one’s ability to trust, to give and receive intimacy with others, to participate in the life of the church, and to know the joy of life in Christ. The betrayal will come as the parishioner learns of the pastor’s other intimate involvements. He or she will feel the pain of rejection when the pastor terminates the relationship precipitously, as almost always happens, as word of it begins to seep out and threatens the minister’s security and status. The parishioner will feel terribly betrayed, let down, confused and insecure, uncertain of her or his own judgment anymore. The parishioner may become severely and clinically depressed. In these relationships with a pastor, most women and men feel used, controlled, and manipulated even while the relationship is ongoing. They see how their own needs become clearly secondary to the pastor’s. They may feel special for a time, and may even feel—as the pastor may tell them they are—specially chosen and gifted to serve God in this unique way. But then they feel ashamed, deceived, and embarrassed. Parishioners lose their congregations, frequently, and many friends. The secrecy of the sexual relationship with the pastor drives a wedge between those involved and other parishioners, their family and other friends. Often pastors deliberately set out to isolate parishioners with whom to have a sexual relationship, in order to cultivate a strong sense of dependency and loyalty and to remove them from contexts which might provide a healthy (but threatening) perspective on the relationship.
Faith and family consequences
Even if the sexually intimate relationship ends without anyone else ever knowing, the parishioner will have lost a sense of being simply one among many. They carry this secret as a burden and move off to the edges for fear of suspicion and exposure, and out of a sense of shame. If, and when, the relationship is revealed, the pastor will hurt the parishioner deeply by denying it, or minimizing its importance, by rationalizing it or blaming the parishioner for it. The congregation wants and needs so desperately to believe the pastor, they believe the worst of the parishioner. He or she is judged the guilty one. Even those who can assign a significant portion of blame or responsibility to the pastor will still feel the parishioner is guilty of being the one who somehow caused or occasioned the pastor to fall. And if the pastor is removed, the parishioner is forced to bear the guilt, and is the scapegoat for the congregation, the one blamed and held responsible for the loss of the pastor. However irrational and improbable this all sounds, it is the course these relationships virtually always take. One may well lose his or her marriage, close friends, other family relationships, the trust and respect of their children. Even if family and friends later come to understand how the parishioner was used and manipulated, this insight often comes too late for many friendships and family relationships.
Understanding the dynamics that make one vulnerable to clergy sexual abuse
I feel so stupid.” Those are common words from victims of clergy sexual abuse. “How on earth did I get into this?” They are not stupid. They are not bad. They are vulnerable. And they are taken advantage of by pastors who use that vulnerability for their own purposes. “Why didn’t I run?” “How did I get into this mess?” “What is different about this relationship that made me vulnerable?” The unique relationship between a pastor and parishioner comes into being when the congregation engages the resources of the pastor to provide for specific needs of that community. Individuals acknowledge their need for pastoral guidance and care at points in their life when they recognize that they can’t satisfy their own doubts, or absolve their own sin, or let go of significant hurt, or make critical decisions without spiritual direction and the presence of the pastor. These individuals need a safe place to bare their soul, to speak the unspeakable, to ask the unimaginable, to grasp the unfathomable. They need to reveal things that are embarrassing, shameful, distressing, and worrisome. They need respect, acceptance, dignity, courage, encouragement, wisdom, truthful judgment, discernment, and forgiveness. They need competent, effective interventions, and useful recommendations. They need freedom and options. More than anything, however, these individuals need the safety of that pastoral relationship, that place, and for that period of time, they need the total dedication of that pastoral relationship to the purpose of helping them resolve their crisis, make their decision, let go of the oppressing circumstances or find healing. They need to trust that whatever that relationship provides, it is devoted to their best interest and to the special needs they have now. The parishioner’s need for the pastor’s skilled care and service makes that parishioner vulnerable, to some extent, more or less, depending upon a variety of factors in each situation. If a parishioner comes seeking guidance in making a terribly complex decision, that person is acknowledging a certain level of vulnerability and dependence and the inability or reluctance to make a decision apart from the resources provided in that pastoral relationship; the contribution of the pastor is assumed to be helpful, wise, and true. If it wasn’t, the parishioner wouldn’t have called. The extent of the vulnerability depends on the relative presence or absence of specific needs and conditions in the life of the parishioner, and the pastor, and the extent to which the pastor has the resources and conditions generally available to pastors.
Needs and expectations create conditions of vulnerability
As a “shepherd,” one of the responsibilities of the pastor is to establish and maintain a safe place, a sanctuary, for God’s people, where they may care for the troubles of their life in honesty and openness. As the prophet Ezekiel writes, they are to be safe from wild animals, and certainly safe from the shepherds themselves! The pastor is always responsible to safeguard the relationship, even when the boundary is pressed upon by the parishioner. It is never appropriate for the pastor to take the initiative to cross or violate that safe boundary.
Pastors have a specific responsibility to guard the greater vulnerability of the parishioner
The very conditions that make the parishioner vulnerable in relation to the pastor are the problems or experiences that usually prompt the initiation of a pastoral contact. It is always the pastor’s responsibility to manage or be in charge of the interaction, in order to provide safe and meaningful pastoral care to the parishioner. Some parishioners are attracted to the power of the pastor and initiate the sexual behavior, or engage in behaviors that are welcoming and suggestive of sexual activity. This attraction and vulnerability is beyond the control of the pastor. But the pastor is still in charge of stopping it from developing further. Even when the pastor is not in control of the parishioner’s expectations or projections, it is the pastor’s job to be in charge of keeping boundaries in place. If this should somehow become impossible, the pastor must reluctantly but definitely end the relationship, and seek support from a bishop, colleague, supervisor, or other care-giver. It is always the vocational responsibility of the pastor to safeguard the greater vulnerability of the parishioner within the pastoral relationship.
Protecting your vulnerability
Most pastors understand and respect this important aspect of their vocational responsibility. Most pastors are trustworthy. Most pastors will never take advantage of the neediness of parishioners for personal pleasure or satisfaction. While all pastors make mistakes and are sometimes more effective in their work than other times, most pastors will do their very best to be helpful and faithful in good times and bad. Clergy sexual abuse is not “just a mistake.” It is a serious failure with serious consequences. Our church understands and takes this to heart. When we do encounter pastors who fail to accept responsibility for safeguarding our relationship, we do well to have internalized this simple message: “It’s never okay.”
Sexual abuse is sexualized behavior that occurs in relationships that are not appropriately sexualized relationships. Pastoral relationships are examples of this. It is sexual abuse because it involves sexualized activity, interest, energy, or intent. It is sexual abuse because it is a violation of the boundary between us, and quite importantly, it is abuse because it is the misuse of power and resources given by the church to the pastor for one purpose and one purpose only: to make Jesus known.
“Just” an affair or is it abuse? If two adults are conducting a sexual relationship, isn’t this an affair? dating? courtship? Or plain old promiscuity? Why do we call this sexual abuse? The realities of vocational responsibility and commitment and power are never absent from the relationship between a pastor and a member of the congregation. The nature of the pastor’s relationship with a parishioner is always a singularly purposeful one: to make Jesus known. It does not lie within the purpose or scope of gospel ministry to seek and carry on sexual contact with parishioners. It does not lie within the scope of gospel ministry to seek to have personal, intimate needs met by congregational members or by others who look to the pastor for spiritual guidance and authority. We generally think of an “affair” as an adult relationship entered into by two mutually responsible and powerful, consenting individuals. Because of the added responsibility and power of the pastor in this relationship, it is never “just an affair.” Besides, since when is it okay to have “affairs”? As long as your pastor is your pastor, your pastor is always your pastor. This sentence may sound silly but the truth of it is very important. As long as that pastor is the pastor of your congregation, that person is your pastor. When the pastor becomes your lover, the pastor is still your pastor. Except that now your pastor will not be able to truly be a pastor to you. This reality is experienced by the spouses of pastors every day. Much of the time it is not a serious problem, but when a crisis arises—either in the marriage or because of illness, death or other concern—the pastor’s spouse finds it necessary to reach out for care provided by another pastor. If you choose to date your pastor, you will need to find another pastor right away, even if you continue to attend your church. Pastors are called to congregations and other institutions to travel in and through that place in a lane clearly marked at the beginning: “pastor.” While the lane marker sometimes becomes a broken rather than solid or double yellow line, and sometimes the lane markers seem almost invisible, nevertheless, the lane is always there and the pastor is always in it.
What are the consequences of clergy sexual abuse?
What happens when this boundary is crossed? Intimacy in this relationship is illusory. Secrecy and fear will inhibit trust and mutuality. We dare not confuse apparent access—the amount of time spent together—with quality of concern. The parishioner will find, as thousands have, to their dismay and horror, that the pastor is not there for them in this relationship but rather, the parishioner is there for the pastor. It may not seem so at first, but this reality will come sooner, or perhaps, much later. Whenever it comes, the effect will be exceedingly painful and damaging of one’s ability to trust, to give and receive intimacy with others, to participate in the life of the church, and to know the joy of life in Christ. The betrayal will come as the parishioner learns of the pastor’s other intimate involvements. He or she will feel the pain of rejection when the pastor terminates the relationship precipitously, as almost always happens, as word of it begins to seep out and threatens the minister’s security and status. The parishioner will feel terribly betrayed, let down, confused and insecure, uncertain of her or his own judgment anymore. The parishioner may become severely and clinically depressed. In these relationships with a pastor, most women and men feel used, controlled, and manipulated even while the relationship is ongoing. They see how their own needs become clearly secondary to the pastor’s. They may feel special for a time, and may even feel—as the pastor may tell them they are—specially chosen and gifted to serve God in this unique way. But then they feel ashamed, deceived, and embarrassed. Parishioners lose their congregations, frequently, and many friends. The secrecy of the sexual relationship with the pastor drives a wedge between those involved and other parishioners, their family and other friends. Often pastors deliberately set out to isolate parishioners with whom to have a sexual relationship, in order to cultivate a strong sense of dependency and loyalty and to remove them from contexts which might provide a healthy (but threatening) perspective on the relationship.
Faith and family consequences
Even if the sexually intimate relationship ends without anyone else ever knowing, the parishioner will have lost a sense of being simply one among many. They carry this secret as a burden and move off to the edges for fear of suspicion and exposure, and out of a sense of shame. If, and when, the relationship is revealed, the pastor will hurt the parishioner deeply by denying it, or minimizing its importance, by rationalizing it or blaming the parishioner for it. The congregation wants and needs so desperately to believe the pastor, they believe the worst of the parishioner. He or she is judged the guilty one. Even those who can assign a significant portion of blame or responsibility to the pastor will still feel the parishioner is guilty of being the one who somehow caused or occasioned the pastor to fall. And if the pastor is removed, the parishioner is forced to bear the guilt, and is the scapegoat for the congregation, the one blamed and held responsible for the loss of the pastor. However irrational and improbable this all sounds, it is the course these relationships virtually always take. One may well lose his or her marriage, close friends, other family relationships, the trust and respect of their children. Even if family and friends later come to understand how the parishioner was used and manipulated, this insight often comes too late for many friendships and family relationships.
Understanding the dynamics that make one vulnerable to clergy sexual abuse
I feel so stupid.” Those are common words from victims of clergy sexual abuse. “How on earth did I get into this?” They are not stupid. They are not bad. They are vulnerable. And they are taken advantage of by pastors who use that vulnerability for their own purposes. “Why didn’t I run?” “How did I get into this mess?” “What is different about this relationship that made me vulnerable?” The unique relationship between a pastor and parishioner comes into being when the congregation engages the resources of the pastor to provide for specific needs of that community. Individuals acknowledge their need for pastoral guidance and care at points in their life when they recognize that they can’t satisfy their own doubts, or absolve their own sin, or let go of significant hurt, or make critical decisions without spiritual direction and the presence of the pastor. These individuals need a safe place to bare their soul, to speak the unspeakable, to ask the unimaginable, to grasp the unfathomable. They need to reveal things that are embarrassing, shameful, distressing, and worrisome. They need respect, acceptance, dignity, courage, encouragement, wisdom, truthful judgment, discernment, and forgiveness. They need competent, effective interventions, and useful recommendations. They need freedom and options. More than anything, however, these individuals need the safety of that pastoral relationship, that place, and for that period of time, they need the total dedication of that pastoral relationship to the purpose of helping them resolve their crisis, make their decision, let go of the oppressing circumstances or find healing. They need to trust that whatever that relationship provides, it is devoted to their best interest and to the special needs they have now. The parishioner’s need for the pastor’s skilled care and service makes that parishioner vulnerable, to some extent, more or less, depending upon a variety of factors in each situation. If a parishioner comes seeking guidance in making a terribly complex decision, that person is acknowledging a certain level of vulnerability and dependence and the inability or reluctance to make a decision apart from the resources provided in that pastoral relationship; the contribution of the pastor is assumed to be helpful, wise, and true. If it wasn’t, the parishioner wouldn’t have called. The extent of the vulnerability depends on the relative presence or absence of specific needs and conditions in the life of the parishioner, and the pastor, and the extent to which the pastor has the resources and conditions generally available to pastors.
Needs and expectations create conditions of vulnerability
As a “shepherd,” one of the responsibilities of the pastor is to establish and maintain a safe place, a sanctuary, for God’s people, where they may care for the troubles of their life in honesty and openness. As the prophet Ezekiel writes, they are to be safe from wild animals, and certainly safe from the shepherds themselves! The pastor is always responsible to safeguard the relationship, even when the boundary is pressed upon by the parishioner. It is never appropriate for the pastor to take the initiative to cross or violate that safe boundary.
Pastors have a specific responsibility to guard the greater vulnerability of the parishioner
The very conditions that make the parishioner vulnerable in relation to the pastor are the problems or experiences that usually prompt the initiation of a pastoral contact. It is always the pastor’s responsibility to manage or be in charge of the interaction, in order to provide safe and meaningful pastoral care to the parishioner. Some parishioners are attracted to the power of the pastor and initiate the sexual behavior, or engage in behaviors that are welcoming and suggestive of sexual activity. This attraction and vulnerability is beyond the control of the pastor. But the pastor is still in charge of stopping it from developing further. Even when the pastor is not in control of the parishioner’s expectations or projections, it is the pastor’s job to be in charge of keeping boundaries in place. If this should somehow become impossible, the pastor must reluctantly but definitely end the relationship, and seek support from a bishop, colleague, supervisor, or other care-giver. It is always the vocational responsibility of the pastor to safeguard the greater vulnerability of the parishioner within the pastoral relationship.
Protecting your vulnerability
Most pastors understand and respect this important aspect of their vocational responsibility. Most pastors are trustworthy. Most pastors will never take advantage of the neediness of parishioners for personal pleasure or satisfaction. While all pastors make mistakes and are sometimes more effective in their work than other times, most pastors will do their very best to be helpful and faithful in good times and bad. Clergy sexual abuse is not “just a mistake.” It is a serious failure with serious consequences. Our church understands and takes this to heart. When we do encounter pastors who fail to accept responsibility for safeguarding our relationship, we do well to have internalized this simple message: “It’s never okay.”
Practical steps we can take to prevent sexual boundary violations
1. Begin with education.
2. Talk with your pastor.
3. Prepare a policy and a plan for responding to complaints.
4. Skip the laundry list of “don’ts.”
5. Encourage your pastor to take care of personal needs.
6. Make sure your pastor is taking time off.
7. Provide adequate vacation time.
8. Provide appropriate time and funds for continuing education
9. Provide adequate and fair compensation.
10. Discourage your pastor from being a lone ranger. Be alert to isolation
11. Clarify expectations of single pastors.
12. Encourage your pastor to “get a life!”
13. Family first.
14. Help establish and respect healthy boundaries throughout the congregation.
15. Develop clear job descriptions, schedules, and guidelines
Prevention takes work, but not as much work as healing and recovery after boundary violations!
However hard it is to be alert and aware, prepared and preventive, it is not nearly so difficult as what happens when there is a violation. Clergy sexual abuse has serious consequences for those most directly involved. Their lives will not get back to normal for a very long time, if ever. And those in the congregation around them will find their lives and their common ministry seriously disrupted. Congregations also experience serious consequences of clergy sexual abuse. Attendance falls off, sometimes quite dramatically. Giving decreases, also significantly. The focus is diverted from sharing ministry, outreach and evangelism, social ministry and witness, to an inward focus. Factions and cliques develop. A host of unhealthy institutional behaviors and dynamics set in. As with individuals, healing is possible. But it will take a long time. However time-consuming and awkward it may seem to take preventive steps now, it is not nearly so painful as the experience of clergy sexual abuse, nor as difficult as the process of healing afterward!
1. Begin with education.
2. Talk with your pastor.
3. Prepare a policy and a plan for responding to complaints.
4. Skip the laundry list of “don’ts.”
5. Encourage your pastor to take care of personal needs.
6. Make sure your pastor is taking time off.
7. Provide adequate vacation time.
8. Provide appropriate time and funds for continuing education
9. Provide adequate and fair compensation.
10. Discourage your pastor from being a lone ranger. Be alert to isolation
11. Clarify expectations of single pastors.
12. Encourage your pastor to “get a life!”
13. Family first.
14. Help establish and respect healthy boundaries throughout the congregation.
15. Develop clear job descriptions, schedules, and guidelines
Prevention takes work, but not as much work as healing and recovery after boundary violations!
However hard it is to be alert and aware, prepared and preventive, it is not nearly so difficult as what happens when there is a violation. Clergy sexual abuse has serious consequences for those most directly involved. Their lives will not get back to normal for a very long time, if ever. And those in the congregation around them will find their lives and their common ministry seriously disrupted. Congregations also experience serious consequences of clergy sexual abuse. Attendance falls off, sometimes quite dramatically. Giving decreases, also significantly. The focus is diverted from sharing ministry, outreach and evangelism, social ministry and witness, to an inward focus. Factions and cliques develop. A host of unhealthy institutional behaviors and dynamics set in. As with individuals, healing is possible. But it will take a long time. However time-consuming and awkward it may seem to take preventive steps now, it is not nearly so painful as the experience of clergy sexual abuse, nor as difficult as the process of healing afterward!