Sin or Abuse? Freewill or Brainwashing? Consent or Coercion?
*** Trigger Warning ***
It had been a long six years and she was exhausted. Her brother and mother had passed away within a year of one another, each after a long illness. Both of her daughters had married. And then her husband was laid off from his job, his career essentially over. Now he had been out of work for two years. At first her faith was strong and she saw God in her circumstances. But facing a third year of her husband’s unemployment was daunting. She had tried to be strong , but she was emotionally exhausted. On top of that her own job was an emotional roller coaster. She worked at her church, for the executive pastor. Pastor. It’s what he was, but not what he acted like. For the last 20 years she had dealt with his abuse, undermining, invalidation, insults, temper and his outright contempt for her. Since she became his direct assistant 5 years earlier, it had gotten worse. She couldn't understand his contempt. Did he hate that she was really good at her job? Did he want her to fail? It wasn’t just her. The entire church staff walked on eggshells where he was concerned. He was abrasive and hurtful, but he was offended easily. They were always on edge to say and do just the right thing, never knowing what might set him off into a rage. And his rage was never just about the work, it was personal. The senior pastor and elders knew about his temper and how he treated everyone, especially her. Other pastors had told them how awful he was to her. And they had seen her tears, but they never acted. He wasn’t disciplined or fired. She wasn't defended. She wasn't protected. None of them were. He seemed untouchable, which made him feel even more entitled.
But she was about to get a break. She was leaving town for a week with her sister. A sister road trip. Even though she had never vacationed without her husband and would miss him, she was looking forward to both the trip and time with her sister. She loved road trips and driving across the country. And, she had no problem leaving work behind when she was on vacation. This would be just the break she needed.
Early Saturday morning, she and her sister hit the road. First stop, Memphis, Tennessee. They were headed to Graceland! It was a good day driving and they got to their hotel around dinner time. As they were unloading their luggage, she heard a familiar sound and her stomach dropped. She felt that familiar tension she thought she had left behind. It was the tone of her boss texting her. He had made it a habit of texting at all hours, evenings, weekends, whenever he wanted something. He demanded that of his staff. So, it wasn’t surprising that he’d text her. Maybe he forgot she was on vacation. She dreaded reading the text. “So much for my break,” she thought to herself. But being the ever-loyal assistant, she opened the text to see what he needed. She had no idea of the dangerous snare he was setting and how she would regret that text for the rest of her life. She knew he was selfish and abrasive, but she had no idea he was evil and he had been grooming her for years for this moment.
She read the text and was a little taken back. It wasn’t work related. He was just saying, “Hi,” and asking if her trip was going okay. He was nice. That had happened a few times in the last couple of months. He would text more as a friend than her tyrant boss. She told him they had made it to their hotel and were about to go to dinner. But in a few minutes, he texted again. Small talk. She could roll with that as long as he was being nice. No problem. But then it got a little weird when he told her to just say “bye” if she needed to end the texting—as though it was supposed to be a secret. After another brief conversation, she went on to dinner and thought nothing of it. But then, in a little while, another text. More small talk. This time longer. He told her that she meant so much to him. That she was a good assistant and took good care of him. That she ran his life. That he couldn’t do anything without her. That she deserved this trip but he didn’t know how he was going to make it with her gone for a week. She fell for it. She was flattered. This was very different than his usual contempt for her. She felt validated. She had yearned to be treated with respect and be noticed for all her hard work. She thought they were becoming friends.
Then the conversation took a turn. He began to tell her that he thought she was sexy, that he was turned on and it was her fault. What? She hated situations like this. So awkward. Not right. She wasn’t confrontational. She didn’t know what to say. She wanted to be nice. She told him she would no longer do the things he had just said were sexy. But he told her it wouldn’t matter, he would just use his imagination. She couldn’t help but feel flattered. She was seduced. She was uncomfortable, though, so she said she was tired and ended the conversation thinking that would be the end of it.
But the next evening, that familiar text tone. Him again. He told her he just wanted to be her friend and make her week fun. She wondered, “Why is he being so nice to me?” She knew it was too flirty, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer. I know what you’re thinking. It was texting. She could have just stopped. But she didn’t feel like she could. She was afraid rejecting him even in a text would make work more miserable. He had all the power. And, she liked being treated like a friend, not an enemy. Deep inside, she knew she was already trapped. He had snared her. She didn’t see his plans for her future. She thought she was only dealing with flirting. She tried to gently pull back so as to not hurt his feelings. Over the next few days as he continued to pressure her, she told him she would be his loyal assistant and friend. They didn’t have to do this. She told him she loved her husband very much. She mentioned other women at church whose husbands had cheated and asked him how they would feel about this flirting. He told her to relax, that it was no big deal. He just wanted to be friends and have a little fun. This man was not taking no for an answer. He never took no for an answer. He acted like he was joking and threatened her job if she wouldn’t “play”. He texted, “ha ha!” but she knew he wasn’t joking. Then he asked her if she could keep a secret. He wanted to tell her something that no one else in his life knew. She agreed. He told her he and his wife were sleeping in separate rooms, that she no longer wanted anything intimately to do with him. He wanted her to feel sympathy for him. Her answer that she figured as much since he was texting her set him off. He became furious. She tried for some time to explain she would be his loyal assistant and friend and eventually calmed him down. He commented on how long she persisted to calm him down as though he was touched. She didn't know this game. She didn't know she was being led into darkness.
The texting continued that week and beyond. Before it was over, a pastor, elder, & boss led his assistant far away from Christ and into dark, sexual activity she never imagined she was capable of.
In the beginning, he was nice and treated her special. He was full of compliments and valued her input at work. He treated her as an equal. Then, all of a sudden, he turned dark and was more horrible to her than he’d ever been. He treated her miserably, everyday from the moment she walked into the office until she left. Constantly chipping at her confidence with criticism and insults. He would give her responsibility and then abruptly take it away. He would tell her exactly how he wanted a task done and then criticize her for doing it that way. She didn't dare confront or challenge him. She never knew what kind of mood he’d be in from one moment to the next. Work became torture. But, then, late in the evening, he would text her and expect her to respond. Sometimes, the texts were nice, but other times, the torture just continued. She did everything she could think of to try to get back to the place where he was nice and he valued her. Where there was peace. Periodically, the texting would abruptly stop. She was relieved, thinking it was over. Thinking she was free. She would act normal at work trying to signal that she would be a good employee and loyal assistant, even without the texting and hope he would treat her with respect. She would vow that if he began texting again, she wouldn’t participate. But after a few weeks, he would text, and she just couldn’t seem to resist the pressure to comply. She was addicted. Addicted to him and addicted to the sexting. She was in trouble.
But she was about to get a break. She was leaving town for a week with her sister. A sister road trip. Even though she had never vacationed without her husband and would miss him, she was looking forward to both the trip and time with her sister. She loved road trips and driving across the country. And, she had no problem leaving work behind when she was on vacation. This would be just the break she needed.
Early Saturday morning, she and her sister hit the road. First stop, Memphis, Tennessee. They were headed to Graceland! It was a good day driving and they got to their hotel around dinner time. As they were unloading their luggage, she heard a familiar sound and her stomach dropped. She felt that familiar tension she thought she had left behind. It was the tone of her boss texting her. He had made it a habit of texting at all hours, evenings, weekends, whenever he wanted something. He demanded that of his staff. So, it wasn’t surprising that he’d text her. Maybe he forgot she was on vacation. She dreaded reading the text. “So much for my break,” she thought to herself. But being the ever-loyal assistant, she opened the text to see what he needed. She had no idea of the dangerous snare he was setting and how she would regret that text for the rest of her life. She knew he was selfish and abrasive, but she had no idea he was evil and he had been grooming her for years for this moment.
She read the text and was a little taken back. It wasn’t work related. He was just saying, “Hi,” and asking if her trip was going okay. He was nice. That had happened a few times in the last couple of months. He would text more as a friend than her tyrant boss. She told him they had made it to their hotel and were about to go to dinner. But in a few minutes, he texted again. Small talk. She could roll with that as long as he was being nice. No problem. But then it got a little weird when he told her to just say “bye” if she needed to end the texting—as though it was supposed to be a secret. After another brief conversation, she went on to dinner and thought nothing of it. But then, in a little while, another text. More small talk. This time longer. He told her that she meant so much to him. That she was a good assistant and took good care of him. That she ran his life. That he couldn’t do anything without her. That she deserved this trip but he didn’t know how he was going to make it with her gone for a week. She fell for it. She was flattered. This was very different than his usual contempt for her. She felt validated. She had yearned to be treated with respect and be noticed for all her hard work. She thought they were becoming friends.
Then the conversation took a turn. He began to tell her that he thought she was sexy, that he was turned on and it was her fault. What? She hated situations like this. So awkward. Not right. She wasn’t confrontational. She didn’t know what to say. She wanted to be nice. She told him she would no longer do the things he had just said were sexy. But he told her it wouldn’t matter, he would just use his imagination. She couldn’t help but feel flattered. She was seduced. She was uncomfortable, though, so she said she was tired and ended the conversation thinking that would be the end of it.
But the next evening, that familiar text tone. Him again. He told her he just wanted to be her friend and make her week fun. She wondered, “Why is he being so nice to me?” She knew it was too flirty, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer. I know what you’re thinking. It was texting. She could have just stopped. But she didn’t feel like she could. She was afraid rejecting him even in a text would make work more miserable. He had all the power. And, she liked being treated like a friend, not an enemy. Deep inside, she knew she was already trapped. He had snared her. She didn’t see his plans for her future. She thought she was only dealing with flirting. She tried to gently pull back so as to not hurt his feelings. Over the next few days as he continued to pressure her, she told him she would be his loyal assistant and friend. They didn’t have to do this. She told him she loved her husband very much. She mentioned other women at church whose husbands had cheated and asked him how they would feel about this flirting. He told her to relax, that it was no big deal. He just wanted to be friends and have a little fun. This man was not taking no for an answer. He never took no for an answer. He acted like he was joking and threatened her job if she wouldn’t “play”. He texted, “ha ha!” but she knew he wasn’t joking. Then he asked her if she could keep a secret. He wanted to tell her something that no one else in his life knew. She agreed. He told her he and his wife were sleeping in separate rooms, that she no longer wanted anything intimately to do with him. He wanted her to feel sympathy for him. Her answer that she figured as much since he was texting her set him off. He became furious. She tried for some time to explain she would be his loyal assistant and friend and eventually calmed him down. He commented on how long she persisted to calm him down as though he was touched. She didn't know this game. She didn't know she was being led into darkness.
The texting continued that week and beyond. Before it was over, a pastor, elder, & boss led his assistant far away from Christ and into dark, sexual activity she never imagined she was capable of.
In the beginning, he was nice and treated her special. He was full of compliments and valued her input at work. He treated her as an equal. Then, all of a sudden, he turned dark and was more horrible to her than he’d ever been. He treated her miserably, everyday from the moment she walked into the office until she left. Constantly chipping at her confidence with criticism and insults. He would give her responsibility and then abruptly take it away. He would tell her exactly how he wanted a task done and then criticize her for doing it that way. She didn't dare confront or challenge him. She never knew what kind of mood he’d be in from one moment to the next. Work became torture. But, then, late in the evening, he would text her and expect her to respond. Sometimes, the texts were nice, but other times, the torture just continued. She did everything she could think of to try to get back to the place where he was nice and he valued her. Where there was peace. Periodically, the texting would abruptly stop. She was relieved, thinking it was over. Thinking she was free. She would act normal at work trying to signal that she would be a good employee and loyal assistant, even without the texting and hope he would treat her with respect. She would vow that if he began texting again, she wouldn’t participate. But after a few weeks, he would text, and she just couldn’t seem to resist the pressure to comply. She was addicted. Addicted to him and addicted to the sexting. She was in trouble.
She was enmeshed in his torture and it was killing her. But she had nowhere to turn. She couldn’t quit her job. Where would she go? Her husband was only working part time. They couldn’t afford to do without her income, she thought. She was afraid to confide in anyone. Afraid that they might go straight to the senior pastor. She let Satan lie to her and convince her that she could manage this life, these lies. That as long as he was torturing her, he was leaving others alone. That if anyone found out, it would ruin her life and ruin the church. Her boss had convinced her that it was her fault anyway. So, she deserved this hell she was living in. She felt as though she was in a tunnel of darkness and there was no light. Surrounded by darkness, she was completely alone. Desperate and alone. With no end in sight.
At one point, he told her she was co-dependent and needed counseling. Even though it was to hurt her, it opened the door to an idea. If she went to therapy, she could tell the therapist who would have to keep her confidentiality. This would let her tell someone who could help her figure out how to stop it. So, she found a therapist. But time ran out. Just after her third visit to the therapist, before she had the courage to tell, her husband found pictures. He knew she was “involved” with someone but didn’t know who. He confronted her. She was petrified and needed time. She felt sure she could salvage this if she just had a few hours. But her husband figured out it was her boss. Her pastor. Their pastor. He reported it to the church leadership immediately.
At one point, he told her she was co-dependent and needed counseling. Even though it was to hurt her, it opened the door to an idea. If she went to therapy, she could tell the therapist who would have to keep her confidentiality. This would let her tell someone who could help her figure out how to stop it. So, she found a therapist. But time ran out. Just after her third visit to the therapist, before she had the courage to tell, her husband found pictures. He knew she was “involved” with someone but didn’t know who. He confronted her. She was petrified and needed time. She felt sure she could salvage this if she just had a few hours. But her husband figured out it was her boss. Her pastor. Their pastor. He reported it to the church leadership immediately.
That was me. I was filled with shame. I just kept thinking, “How did I get here? How did this happen?” I had been happily married for 30 years. I loved the Lord and my husband. I would never want to sin against either of them. I despised my boss and I absolutely hated adultery. And yet, he somehow managed to get me to participate in this activity with him. Even though I resisted in the beginning, why did I ultimately comply and participate? My church leadership announced to the church body that both my pastor and I were resigning due to an inappropriate relationship. Yes, they named me and my “sin” to the church body. I felt so much shame, so much despair. Even now, I can barely tolerate the memory of that Sunday morning, sitting in my home, having lost my job and now losing my church as my greatest failure was being announced to my world. I was devastated and felt completely worthless, dirty, ashamed and humiliated. And I thought I had failed and deserved all of it.
But my husband knew something wasn’t right. As I mentioned before, our marriage was good and he knew I didn’t like my boss and how horribly I had been treated for years. As he questioned me for details, trying to understand how this had happened, he began to realize this was not a consensual, inappropriate relationship. He began to research clergy abuse and narcissism. We began studying emotional narcissistic abuse and our eyes were opened to the reality of it being more prevalent in society than we had ever imagined and that it was often found in church leaders, in pastors. We also began seeing many other victims of abuse by clergy, and other church leaders, telling their stories on social media.
As we gained more understanding of what had actually happened, and as the fog of the abuse began to lift, more memories of that pastor’s abusive behaviors and grooming tactics came to mind. At the same time, the symptoms of PTSD from the abuse began to manifest. My husband grew concerned that our marriage counseling had not completely addressed the extent of the abuse I had suffered and that I needed trauma-specific professional help to recover and heal. We agreed that I should find a therapist that specialized in trauma from emotional and sexual abuse. In my first counseling session, as I shared about my boss and that relationship, the therapist told me I had survived a very dangerous man. I was lucky to be out.
At one point in therapy, I referred to my activity with my boss as sin. The therapist immediately interrupted me and said I had not sinned. What? She said I didn’t have free will when he began texting me. What? How is sexting not sin? She said to me, “When he began texting you, seducing you, he knew you were already in the cage." She said that narcissists are skilled at manipulation and brainwashing. She said that grooming and emotional abuse affect the neuro-instincts of the brain of the target. Targets lose their power. They lose their cognitive ability to make discerning decisions. They don’t have the "free will" in that relationship to consent.
This was yet another eye-opening revelation that I needed to research to understand for myself. I didn’t want to just take this therapist’s word that I was brainwashed. After getting free from this man who was so controlling, I will no longer be spoon-fed or told what to think by anyone. I wanted proof and I had to be sure I wasn’t going to latch on to the idea that it was not sin on my part as an excuse to avoid taking any responsibility for what had happened. I had already read a number of articles and books on abuse, so I went back to some of them and sought out new ones to see what I could find.
But my husband knew something wasn’t right. As I mentioned before, our marriage was good and he knew I didn’t like my boss and how horribly I had been treated for years. As he questioned me for details, trying to understand how this had happened, he began to realize this was not a consensual, inappropriate relationship. He began to research clergy abuse and narcissism. We began studying emotional narcissistic abuse and our eyes were opened to the reality of it being more prevalent in society than we had ever imagined and that it was often found in church leaders, in pastors. We also began seeing many other victims of abuse by clergy, and other church leaders, telling their stories on social media.
As we gained more understanding of what had actually happened, and as the fog of the abuse began to lift, more memories of that pastor’s abusive behaviors and grooming tactics came to mind. At the same time, the symptoms of PTSD from the abuse began to manifest. My husband grew concerned that our marriage counseling had not completely addressed the extent of the abuse I had suffered and that I needed trauma-specific professional help to recover and heal. We agreed that I should find a therapist that specialized in trauma from emotional and sexual abuse. In my first counseling session, as I shared about my boss and that relationship, the therapist told me I had survived a very dangerous man. I was lucky to be out.
At one point in therapy, I referred to my activity with my boss as sin. The therapist immediately interrupted me and said I had not sinned. What? She said I didn’t have free will when he began texting me. What? How is sexting not sin? She said to me, “When he began texting you, seducing you, he knew you were already in the cage." She said that narcissists are skilled at manipulation and brainwashing. She said that grooming and emotional abuse affect the neuro-instincts of the brain of the target. Targets lose their power. They lose their cognitive ability to make discerning decisions. They don’t have the "free will" in that relationship to consent.
This was yet another eye-opening revelation that I needed to research to understand for myself. I didn’t want to just take this therapist’s word that I was brainwashed. After getting free from this man who was so controlling, I will no longer be spoon-fed or told what to think by anyone. I wanted proof and I had to be sure I wasn’t going to latch on to the idea that it was not sin on my part as an excuse to avoid taking any responsibility for what had happened. I had already read a number of articles and books on abuse, so I went back to some of them and sought out new ones to see what I could find.
Shannon Thomas, LCSW-L, and author of Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse, says, “Becoming fully aware of the dynamics of psychological abuse is not an easy truth to absorb.”
My head was spinning. All I could think of was scripture like 1 Corinthians 10:13, that says God will not tempt you beyond what you are able, but will with that temptation, provide a way of escape so that you may endure it. I believed from that scripture that in the moment you are tempted to sin, that moment you are at the crossroads of making a decision, there’s a right road and a wrong road and you choose your road. So, therefore, even though I resisted his pressure, ultimately, I had chosen to turn against God and sin. How did someone else get me to do something I knew was wrong and hated? How did he get me to comply?
Shannon Thomas also says, “Normal people don’t play all the toxic games psychological abusers do, and yet, survivors end up initially blaming themselves.” Even though I never initiated the inappropriate texting with my boss, nor was I ever asked if it was okay if he texted me that way, I did somehow blame myself. Even though in the beginning I did everything I could think of to not comply, I ultimately participated, and I felt responsible.
So, was it sin or abuse? Was it freewill or brainwashing? Was it consent or coercion?
These questions are important to me for two reasons. One, it’s important in my relationship with Christ to admit and confess sin. 1 John 1:9 says that when we confess our sin, God is faithful to forgive us. And He joyfully forgives us! It’s amazing! It’s freeing! It’s redemption! I want to testify about how God is good and gracious to me and forgives me. I want others to know they can be forgiven and redeemed. That no matter what they’ve done, they can be forgiven and clean. And, I want to take responsibility for my actions. But, two, it’s hurtful to say someone has sinned if they didn’t. It would be wrong if they were forced to participate in sinful activity against their will or without consent or because they were brainwashed. To say that what was really abuse was sin is damaging and shaming to victims. It doesn’t help them heal. It further victimizes. It puts blame on the victim that belongs solely on the abuser. There is so much shame when it comes to sexual abuse because it feels like sin, it feels dirty, even if they were coerced or forced to participate.
The truth is narcissists have the ability to get into the head of their target. Their grooming and brainwashing techniques change the way the target thinks. These techniques or tactics change the target's brain chemistry. The narcissist spends months, even years, as in my case, grooming & brainwashing their target. They use everything they learn about you against you to break down your defenses. Then they use their words and actions to alter your cognitive ability to see what’s happening and to react accordingly. They get you trauma-bonded to them, enmeshed in their cycles of manipulation. They work to get you to a point that you comply with their demands, even if they go against your values. Then they blame you. It's a nightmare.
Ann Silvers, MA, LMHC, says, “Brainwashing is defined in the Psychology Dictionary as that which ‘manipulates and modifies a person’s emotions, attitudes, and beliefs.’ It reduces a person’s ability to mentally defend themselves and makes it easier for another person to control them. Brainwashing is used on the target to distort reality, interfere with perception, reduce a person’s self-confidence, and garner compliance.” Effects of Brainwashing on Narcissistic Victims and Survivors
Randi G. Fine, Narcissists Abuse Expert and Author of Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissist Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery, says the following from this article Statistics Unjust to Victims of Narcissistic Abuse, “Narcissists are masterful manipulators who employ brainwashing tactics and psychological warfare to control their victims. They brilliantly mastermind covert plans that the non-pathological mind could never even conceive, knowing that their victims will never catch on.” Again, I know now that my abuser spent years grooming and employing these brainwashing tactics on me.
Kim Saaed, says in this article Feel Like You Were Brainwashed by the Narcissist?, “Narcissists use subtle clues and suggestions to guide you towards things that are not in your best interest by subverting your thought processes. It’s all about making you act how they want you to and do what they want you to.” She goes on in the article to share subliminal persuasion techniques employed by narcissists and other abusers. These include building rapport, playing the victim, playing the parent, and the silent treatment (hurt & rescue). Kim says, “Manipulators are often very aware of these things and in an instant can transport another adult back to childhood with the associated emotions of wanting to please and feel loved and accepted.”
Shahida Arabi (selfcarehaven.org) says trauma bonding occurs when there is a power imbalance in a relationship, intense emotional experiences, intermittent good and bad treatment, the presence of danger, and periods of intimacy. Seduction, betrayal, or deception is often involved in creating such a bond. Out of a need to survive the abuse, the victim forms an addictive attachment to his or her abuser which may appear nonsensical to outsiders.
Finally, in this article The Brainwashing Technique Your Abuser Already Knows, by Kelly Jo Holly, she explains how the abuser uses the same brainwashing techniques as coercion techniques outlined by sociologist Albert Biderman in 1957. These techniques include: Isolation, Monopolization of Perception, Induced Debility & Exhaustion, Threats, Occasional Indulgences, Demonstrating “Omnipotence”, Enforcing Trivial Demands, and Degradation.
Now that I am free and away from my abuser and have had time to “detox” and heal, I recognize many of the tactics he used. He used monopolization of perception to keep me introspective, abusing with sarcasm, crude joking, and constant criticism, along with occasional compliments and flattery. He would give me responsibility only to take it away soon after. I call that the “cast & yank.” He would show confidence in me and then express doubt that I could do anything, even though I was doing a great job. He insisted that I always be available to him, even after hours, to establish a pattern of texting after hours before the seduction began. He used the silent treatment and rejection. Those were his favorites because he learned quickly how deeply they affected me and the lengths I would go to to “reconcile.” The list goes on. I learned recently that your brain can't handle the a sudden dose of love-bombing or flattery followed by a sudden dose of rejection. It affects your cognitive dissonance, your ability to be discerning. It leads to trauma bonding which is right where your abuser wants you.
Once I realized and agreed that I had been brainwashed by a pastor, I felt stupid. How did I fall for this? Research has also shown me that abusers don’t brainwash stupid people. They seek smart, empathic, caring people to target. People that are typically quite intelligent, in fact. Kelly Jo Holly says in this article, Brainwashing and Intelligence: So Natural a Caveman Can Do It, that “It’s important to note that the brainwashing victim is not some sort of idiot for succumbing to brainwashing. Again, brainwashing and intelligence are not related.”
Shannon Thomas says success and strength are actually what attract abusive narcissists and psychopaths to their targets.
I was brainwashed, emotionally, and ultimately sexually abused by my boss, a pastor and elder of our church.
My head was spinning. All I could think of was scripture like 1 Corinthians 10:13, that says God will not tempt you beyond what you are able, but will with that temptation, provide a way of escape so that you may endure it. I believed from that scripture that in the moment you are tempted to sin, that moment you are at the crossroads of making a decision, there’s a right road and a wrong road and you choose your road. So, therefore, even though I resisted his pressure, ultimately, I had chosen to turn against God and sin. How did someone else get me to do something I knew was wrong and hated? How did he get me to comply?
Shannon Thomas also says, “Normal people don’t play all the toxic games psychological abusers do, and yet, survivors end up initially blaming themselves.” Even though I never initiated the inappropriate texting with my boss, nor was I ever asked if it was okay if he texted me that way, I did somehow blame myself. Even though in the beginning I did everything I could think of to not comply, I ultimately participated, and I felt responsible.
So, was it sin or abuse? Was it freewill or brainwashing? Was it consent or coercion?
These questions are important to me for two reasons. One, it’s important in my relationship with Christ to admit and confess sin. 1 John 1:9 says that when we confess our sin, God is faithful to forgive us. And He joyfully forgives us! It’s amazing! It’s freeing! It’s redemption! I want to testify about how God is good and gracious to me and forgives me. I want others to know they can be forgiven and redeemed. That no matter what they’ve done, they can be forgiven and clean. And, I want to take responsibility for my actions. But, two, it’s hurtful to say someone has sinned if they didn’t. It would be wrong if they were forced to participate in sinful activity against their will or without consent or because they were brainwashed. To say that what was really abuse was sin is damaging and shaming to victims. It doesn’t help them heal. It further victimizes. It puts blame on the victim that belongs solely on the abuser. There is so much shame when it comes to sexual abuse because it feels like sin, it feels dirty, even if they were coerced or forced to participate.
The truth is narcissists have the ability to get into the head of their target. Their grooming and brainwashing techniques change the way the target thinks. These techniques or tactics change the target's brain chemistry. The narcissist spends months, even years, as in my case, grooming & brainwashing their target. They use everything they learn about you against you to break down your defenses. Then they use their words and actions to alter your cognitive ability to see what’s happening and to react accordingly. They get you trauma-bonded to them, enmeshed in their cycles of manipulation. They work to get you to a point that you comply with their demands, even if they go against your values. Then they blame you. It's a nightmare.
Ann Silvers, MA, LMHC, says, “Brainwashing is defined in the Psychology Dictionary as that which ‘manipulates and modifies a person’s emotions, attitudes, and beliefs.’ It reduces a person’s ability to mentally defend themselves and makes it easier for another person to control them. Brainwashing is used on the target to distort reality, interfere with perception, reduce a person’s self-confidence, and garner compliance.” Effects of Brainwashing on Narcissistic Victims and Survivors
Randi G. Fine, Narcissists Abuse Expert and Author of Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissist Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery, says the following from this article Statistics Unjust to Victims of Narcissistic Abuse, “Narcissists are masterful manipulators who employ brainwashing tactics and psychological warfare to control their victims. They brilliantly mastermind covert plans that the non-pathological mind could never even conceive, knowing that their victims will never catch on.” Again, I know now that my abuser spent years grooming and employing these brainwashing tactics on me.
Kim Saaed, says in this article Feel Like You Were Brainwashed by the Narcissist?, “Narcissists use subtle clues and suggestions to guide you towards things that are not in your best interest by subverting your thought processes. It’s all about making you act how they want you to and do what they want you to.” She goes on in the article to share subliminal persuasion techniques employed by narcissists and other abusers. These include building rapport, playing the victim, playing the parent, and the silent treatment (hurt & rescue). Kim says, “Manipulators are often very aware of these things and in an instant can transport another adult back to childhood with the associated emotions of wanting to please and feel loved and accepted.”
Shahida Arabi (selfcarehaven.org) says trauma bonding occurs when there is a power imbalance in a relationship, intense emotional experiences, intermittent good and bad treatment, the presence of danger, and periods of intimacy. Seduction, betrayal, or deception is often involved in creating such a bond. Out of a need to survive the abuse, the victim forms an addictive attachment to his or her abuser which may appear nonsensical to outsiders.
Finally, in this article The Brainwashing Technique Your Abuser Already Knows, by Kelly Jo Holly, she explains how the abuser uses the same brainwashing techniques as coercion techniques outlined by sociologist Albert Biderman in 1957. These techniques include: Isolation, Monopolization of Perception, Induced Debility & Exhaustion, Threats, Occasional Indulgences, Demonstrating “Omnipotence”, Enforcing Trivial Demands, and Degradation.
Now that I am free and away from my abuser and have had time to “detox” and heal, I recognize many of the tactics he used. He used monopolization of perception to keep me introspective, abusing with sarcasm, crude joking, and constant criticism, along with occasional compliments and flattery. He would give me responsibility only to take it away soon after. I call that the “cast & yank.” He would show confidence in me and then express doubt that I could do anything, even though I was doing a great job. He insisted that I always be available to him, even after hours, to establish a pattern of texting after hours before the seduction began. He used the silent treatment and rejection. Those were his favorites because he learned quickly how deeply they affected me and the lengths I would go to to “reconcile.” The list goes on. I learned recently that your brain can't handle the a sudden dose of love-bombing or flattery followed by a sudden dose of rejection. It affects your cognitive dissonance, your ability to be discerning. It leads to trauma bonding which is right where your abuser wants you.
Once I realized and agreed that I had been brainwashed by a pastor, I felt stupid. How did I fall for this? Research has also shown me that abusers don’t brainwash stupid people. They seek smart, empathic, caring people to target. People that are typically quite intelligent, in fact. Kelly Jo Holly says in this article, Brainwashing and Intelligence: So Natural a Caveman Can Do It, that “It’s important to note that the brainwashing victim is not some sort of idiot for succumbing to brainwashing. Again, brainwashing and intelligence are not related.”
Shannon Thomas says success and strength are actually what attract abusive narcissists and psychopaths to their targets.
I was brainwashed, emotionally, and ultimately sexually abused by my boss, a pastor and elder of our church.
So, what does the Bible say? Jesus says in Matthew 18. “But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea. Woe to the world for temptations to sin! For it is necessary that temptations come, but woe to the one by whom the temptation comes!”
What do I see in that verse? “Cause…to sin.” When I was in a very vulnerable state, a pastor, one who should have encouraged me in and pointed me to Christ, instead, took advantage of me and led me away from Christ and into sin with his brainwashing and manipulating tactics.
This abuse left me with shame. My abuser put shame on me. The sinful activity I was coerced into put shame on me. Lewis B. Smedes says in Shame & Grace: Healing the Shame We Don't Deserve, "We experience shame if another person despises us as if we were nothing but objects to use instead of persons to love." Diane Langberg, PhD, a psychologist for trauma survivors and clergy, tweeted "Shame is a crushing burden. It is not just a feeling (though it is profoundly that) but it is the experiencing of the self as defective, empty, worthless, and trashed. In the context of trauma, shame says, 'I was weak, stupid, and helpless.' I call this 'inflicted shame.' Inflicted shame is the shame of one person inflicted upon another. It is the shame belonging to the perpetrator but carried by the victim. Inflicted shame is when one human being uses, humiliates, and degrades another, leaving behind a profound and often lifelong sense of shame."
Thankfully, God delights in taking our shame and replacing it with His unfailing love and grace. So, I lay all of the shame I feel at His feet. I know I am a sinner regardless of whether I willingly sinned in this instance, so I come before God as a humble sinner and ask for His grace. And He freely gives me His perfect grace. In His eyes I am clean and pure. No shame. Daily I surrender to Him any shame that has crept in. I surrender the shame put on me by my perpetrator and abuser. I love another quote by Lewis B. Smedes, "But daring to face up to our shamers and to open our eyes to the falseness of the shame they gave us is a first step in getting free from the shame we do not deserve. That courage has its source in (God's) amazing grace."
Turning from my past and laying down the shame put onto me, I will face my future as a smart, strong, successful, empathic person. But I will now trust my instincts. When someone professing Christ doesn’t consistently act Christ-like, or if they are suspiciously charming, I will look for signs that they are a predator, a narcissist. If I believe they are, I will move on. I will get away from them. There is no changing a narcissist so sticking around to work on the relationship out of love or longsuffering is a huge mistake I won’t make again. I won’t give them the proximity to affect my brain!
I don’t want to end this article talking about the abuser. I want to leave you with this: You have a heavenly Father who loves you and is pursuing you. His love is based on His goodness and not your performance, not what you’ve done to earn it or what you’ve done to lose it. He loves you. He is pursuing you. He wants to heal you from the damage of your abuser. He will rescue you, redeem you, and restore you. Surrender all shame to Him. He is bigger than abuse, bigger than shame and bigger than sin. Lay it at the cross!
What do I see in that verse? “Cause…to sin.” When I was in a very vulnerable state, a pastor, one who should have encouraged me in and pointed me to Christ, instead, took advantage of me and led me away from Christ and into sin with his brainwashing and manipulating tactics.
This abuse left me with shame. My abuser put shame on me. The sinful activity I was coerced into put shame on me. Lewis B. Smedes says in Shame & Grace: Healing the Shame We Don't Deserve, "We experience shame if another person despises us as if we were nothing but objects to use instead of persons to love." Diane Langberg, PhD, a psychologist for trauma survivors and clergy, tweeted "Shame is a crushing burden. It is not just a feeling (though it is profoundly that) but it is the experiencing of the self as defective, empty, worthless, and trashed. In the context of trauma, shame says, 'I was weak, stupid, and helpless.' I call this 'inflicted shame.' Inflicted shame is the shame of one person inflicted upon another. It is the shame belonging to the perpetrator but carried by the victim. Inflicted shame is when one human being uses, humiliates, and degrades another, leaving behind a profound and often lifelong sense of shame."
Thankfully, God delights in taking our shame and replacing it with His unfailing love and grace. So, I lay all of the shame I feel at His feet. I know I am a sinner regardless of whether I willingly sinned in this instance, so I come before God as a humble sinner and ask for His grace. And He freely gives me His perfect grace. In His eyes I am clean and pure. No shame. Daily I surrender to Him any shame that has crept in. I surrender the shame put on me by my perpetrator and abuser. I love another quote by Lewis B. Smedes, "But daring to face up to our shamers and to open our eyes to the falseness of the shame they gave us is a first step in getting free from the shame we do not deserve. That courage has its source in (God's) amazing grace."
Turning from my past and laying down the shame put onto me, I will face my future as a smart, strong, successful, empathic person. But I will now trust my instincts. When someone professing Christ doesn’t consistently act Christ-like, or if they are suspiciously charming, I will look for signs that they are a predator, a narcissist. If I believe they are, I will move on. I will get away from them. There is no changing a narcissist so sticking around to work on the relationship out of love or longsuffering is a huge mistake I won’t make again. I won’t give them the proximity to affect my brain!
I don’t want to end this article talking about the abuser. I want to leave you with this: You have a heavenly Father who loves you and is pursuing you. His love is based on His goodness and not your performance, not what you’ve done to earn it or what you’ve done to lose it. He loves you. He is pursuing you. He wants to heal you from the damage of your abuser. He will rescue you, redeem you, and restore you. Surrender all shame to Him. He is bigger than abuse, bigger than shame and bigger than sin. Lay it at the cross!
Now, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,
neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth,
nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us
from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:37-39
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,
neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth,
nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us
from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:37-39