A Letter to Church Leaders
From the spouse of a victim of a covert narcissist abuser pastor.
To the church leadership (elders/pastors/ministry leaders) who refuse to recognize and acknowledge the problem of abuse within their midst and within their ranks. Who treat such abuse as misconduct, moral failures, affairs, or inappropriate relationships. Who hold and communicate a belief in the equal responsibility and fault of the abuser and the victim. Who blame victims for not maintaining proper boundaries, for not being able to resist the emotional manipulation and psychological control tactics abusers use to have their way with their victims, and for not having the ability to repel the grooming and abuse they didn’t even realize they were experiencing at the time. Who refuse to recognize and acknowledge that there are evil and dangerous wolves in sheep’s clothing operating within the church and within church leadership that are hurting the sheep and harming the gospel of Christ.
Do you not realize what you are communicating to the victim(s)?
The victims of abuse perpetrated by those who put on a facade of goodness and holiness, who pretend to be Christ’s sheep when they are in fact ravenous wolves. Those who should have been held to a higher standard of conduct, yet time and again demonstrated just the opposite. Those who should have been models of Christ like behavior, but instead acted selfishly and inappropriately on a regular basis?
Do you not realize how you are sin-leveling, blaming, and shaming victims who have already been greatly wounded by someone that should have affirmed, encouraged, and strengthened their faith, but instead shattered them and led them away from God? Do you not realize how you are extending the victim’s trauma and delaying their healing by causing them to continue to doubt and blame themselves, question their faith and redemption in God, often leading to even greater depression and worse? Do you not realize how in many cases you are driving away from the church the very people who need the greatest compassion and understanding and affirmation from the church?
Do you not see how this enables and emboldens abusers?
How it keeps abusers from facing the truth of their behavior and the harm caused to their victims and families, preventing those abusers from being able to truly confess and seek real repentance. How the covering up of the truth of their abuse and the minimal consequences allows them to continue abusing in the community where the victim will most likely be driven out. Or just as bad, they simply find a new community and start grooming and abusing new targets elsewhere among those who are unaware of the wolf that has joined their flock.
Do you not grasp what this says about yourself?
What it says about your own compassion and understanding for the hurting and wounded and abused within your congregation and community?
How it reveals that you have submitted to and cultivated a loyalty to your leadership and your institution over a loyalty to truth and Christlikeness?
How it demonstrates that you have no conscience, humility, or ability to realize you could be wrong and could have been part of the problem by not recognizing and properly dealing with the wolf in your midst?
Do you not comprehend what you are communicating to the church?
By saying that a victim of emotional, spiritual, or sexual abuse by a pastor was involved in an inappropriate relationship, implying equal responsibility and fault, and saying it was the victim’s responsibility to maintain proper boundaries, what you are really communicating to your church more generally is that…
If a pastor/boss/partner verbally or emotionally abuses them, or offends them with sexualized language or actions, it’s their fault.
If a pastor/boss/partner treats them with disrespect and regularly criticizes their work or any aspect of their life, it’s their fault.
If a pastor/boss/partner overreacts and gets angry, to the point of verbal and non-verbal expressions of rage, with any little mistake or anything that makes the pastor/boss/partner look bad even if it wasn’t their mistake, it’s their fault.
If a pastor/boss/partner verbally and emotionally abuses their subordinate/partner on a regular basis because they have authority over them and they expect their subordinate/partner to protect them and make them look good no matter what they do, it’s the subordinate’s/partner’s fault.
If a pastor/boss/partner wears that subordinate/partner down emotionally and keeps them in a state of constantly obsessing over figuring out the right things to say and do to keep from experiencing that pastors/boss/partners anger and rage at them, it’s their fault.
If they are the victim of abuse, stuck in an abusive working/personal relationship, because they believe they need to make that job or relationship a success, or for whatever reason, no matter the circumstances, it’s their fault.
If a pastor/boss/partner treats them in a manner opposite of what Christ showed and taught us, or gives them negative or hurtful spiritual counsel, it’s their fault.
You are telling your church and staff it is solely their responsibility to make sure their real or perceived superiors treat them with dignity and respect, and that you as shepherds and superiors to that pastor/boss/partner have no responsibility in safeguarding your flock and ensuring your peers treat their employees/coworkers with appropriate dignity and respect.
You are telling your church that it is solely their responsibility to maintain the integrity of any relationship with anyone in positions of superiority over them.
You are telling your church that you really don’t care about them, the individual, and if they experience any of the above forms of abuse then too bad for them because it was their fault.
You are telling your church all of this with no opportunity for dissent or disagreement to be heard by the same audience you are commanding to just trust and believe you, because you are the ones who think you know best and have the authority over them to tell them what to believe.
It should now be very apparent that your ignorance, arrogance, and/or apathy regarding the reality of the many forms of abuse within the church and amongst church leadership, are actually a part of the problem that allows and enables pastors and elders to abuse coworkers and congregants so easily and freely in so many faith communities for so many years.
I pray that God would open your eyes to your complicity in this unfortunate reality plaguing many church and faith communities around the world and that your true confession and repentance in this will lead you to more compassionate and meaningful ministry in your community.
From the spouse of a victim of a covert narcissist abuser pastor.
To the church leadership (elders/pastors/ministry leaders) who refuse to recognize and acknowledge the problem of abuse within their midst and within their ranks. Who treat such abuse as misconduct, moral failures, affairs, or inappropriate relationships. Who hold and communicate a belief in the equal responsibility and fault of the abuser and the victim. Who blame victims for not maintaining proper boundaries, for not being able to resist the emotional manipulation and psychological control tactics abusers use to have their way with their victims, and for not having the ability to repel the grooming and abuse they didn’t even realize they were experiencing at the time. Who refuse to recognize and acknowledge that there are evil and dangerous wolves in sheep’s clothing operating within the church and within church leadership that are hurting the sheep and harming the gospel of Christ.
Do you not realize what you are communicating to the victim(s)?
The victims of abuse perpetrated by those who put on a facade of goodness and holiness, who pretend to be Christ’s sheep when they are in fact ravenous wolves. Those who should have been held to a higher standard of conduct, yet time and again demonstrated just the opposite. Those who should have been models of Christ like behavior, but instead acted selfishly and inappropriately on a regular basis?
Do you not realize how you are sin-leveling, blaming, and shaming victims who have already been greatly wounded by someone that should have affirmed, encouraged, and strengthened their faith, but instead shattered them and led them away from God? Do you not realize how you are extending the victim’s trauma and delaying their healing by causing them to continue to doubt and blame themselves, question their faith and redemption in God, often leading to even greater depression and worse? Do you not realize how in many cases you are driving away from the church the very people who need the greatest compassion and understanding and affirmation from the church?
Do you not see how this enables and emboldens abusers?
How it keeps abusers from facing the truth of their behavior and the harm caused to their victims and families, preventing those abusers from being able to truly confess and seek real repentance. How the covering up of the truth of their abuse and the minimal consequences allows them to continue abusing in the community where the victim will most likely be driven out. Or just as bad, they simply find a new community and start grooming and abusing new targets elsewhere among those who are unaware of the wolf that has joined their flock.
Do you not grasp what this says about yourself?
What it says about your own compassion and understanding for the hurting and wounded and abused within your congregation and community?
How it reveals that you have submitted to and cultivated a loyalty to your leadership and your institution over a loyalty to truth and Christlikeness?
How it demonstrates that you have no conscience, humility, or ability to realize you could be wrong and could have been part of the problem by not recognizing and properly dealing with the wolf in your midst?
Do you not comprehend what you are communicating to the church?
By saying that a victim of emotional, spiritual, or sexual abuse by a pastor was involved in an inappropriate relationship, implying equal responsibility and fault, and saying it was the victim’s responsibility to maintain proper boundaries, what you are really communicating to your church more generally is that…
If a pastor/boss/partner verbally or emotionally abuses them, or offends them with sexualized language or actions, it’s their fault.
If a pastor/boss/partner treats them with disrespect and regularly criticizes their work or any aspect of their life, it’s their fault.
If a pastor/boss/partner overreacts and gets angry, to the point of verbal and non-verbal expressions of rage, with any little mistake or anything that makes the pastor/boss/partner look bad even if it wasn’t their mistake, it’s their fault.
If a pastor/boss/partner verbally and emotionally abuses their subordinate/partner on a regular basis because they have authority over them and they expect their subordinate/partner to protect them and make them look good no matter what they do, it’s the subordinate’s/partner’s fault.
If a pastor/boss/partner wears that subordinate/partner down emotionally and keeps them in a state of constantly obsessing over figuring out the right things to say and do to keep from experiencing that pastors/boss/partners anger and rage at them, it’s their fault.
If they are the victim of abuse, stuck in an abusive working/personal relationship, because they believe they need to make that job or relationship a success, or for whatever reason, no matter the circumstances, it’s their fault.
If a pastor/boss/partner treats them in a manner opposite of what Christ showed and taught us, or gives them negative or hurtful spiritual counsel, it’s their fault.
You are telling your church and staff it is solely their responsibility to make sure their real or perceived superiors treat them with dignity and respect, and that you as shepherds and superiors to that pastor/boss/partner have no responsibility in safeguarding your flock and ensuring your peers treat their employees/coworkers with appropriate dignity and respect.
You are telling your church that it is solely their responsibility to maintain the integrity of any relationship with anyone in positions of superiority over them.
You are telling your church that you really don’t care about them, the individual, and if they experience any of the above forms of abuse then too bad for them because it was their fault.
You are telling your church all of this with no opportunity for dissent or disagreement to be heard by the same audience you are commanding to just trust and believe you, because you are the ones who think you know best and have the authority over them to tell them what to believe.
It should now be very apparent that your ignorance, arrogance, and/or apathy regarding the reality of the many forms of abuse within the church and amongst church leadership, are actually a part of the problem that allows and enables pastors and elders to abuse coworkers and congregants so easily and freely in so many faith communities for so many years.
I pray that God would open your eyes to your complicity in this unfortunate reality plaguing many church and faith communities around the world and that your true confession and repentance in this will lead you to more compassionate and meaningful ministry in your community.