I don’t use the words “emotionally and sexually abused” lightly, although it has taken some time to come to the realization that what everyone thought was an inappropriate relationship was actually abuse. From the moment it was discovered, I tried to take responsibility for what I thought was my part. My husband and I even agreed to allow the elders to announce to the church body I was resigning due to an inappropriate relationship. I had confessed to my husband, my senior pastor and my elders. I had also confessed to God.
However, as my husband questioned me, I was open and honest about the details of the activity. He listened to all that had happened, and remembered the years of me sharing how I hated the way my pastor boss treated me in general, and he realized something wasn’t making sense. He began to research narcissists and how they abuse and realized his pastor had abused his wife and it all started to make sense. When he first told me I was actually the victim of abuse, I was in denial. I was determined to own what I thought I had done and move on. It’s only been after much research and input from licensed therapists and other experts, that I have come to accept that I was abused both emotionally and sexually by a pastor. I went to a professional, licensed therapist and was diagnosed with and treated for trauma associated with emotional abuse involving sexual activity. I would not say it was abuse unless I could say it with confidence.
We now understand that a pastor deliberately engaged in years of grooming and emotional abuse which involved gaslighting, projection, word salad, devaluing, and mean/sweet cycles. This grooming effectively trauma bonded me to my boss's emotional abuse and ensured I would remain loyal to him no matter what he did. So often, it felt like I wasn't being treated right and it made no sense to me that a pastor could say and do the things he did, but the subtleness and confusion of it kept me from speaking out clearly about what was happening. I complained to coworkers, church leaders, and my husband, but our collective lack of understanding made it difficult for anyone to take decisive action to stop it. He was called out by others for mistreating coworkers, but he always managed to escape significant consequences. I became obsessed with saying and doing just the right things to get his approval and to keep from seeing his mean and nasty side. I was constantly trying to avoid his shaming and rejection. The effect of years of this treatment was to erode my self-confidence, cause me to question everything I did, and remain in a state of confusion (fog). This was very personal and destructive abuse. It enabled him to then begin a process/cycle of manipulating, coercing, and shaming me into participating in inappropriate activity with him.
Not only was it personal abuse, it was also positional/power abuse. We now understand it was an abuse of power because he was both a pastor and supervisor. As his subordinate employee and because of his grooming, I was legally and emotionally unable to consent even though my actions seemed voluntary. We now understand how emotional abuse allows the abuser to brainwash and control their target/victim. This makes it very difficult for the victim to make clear and logical decisions in response to their abuser's tactics. You will see more about this on the Awareness page of our site and in the articles linked below.
Pastors Don't Have Affairs - Ashley Easter
Why It's Not an Affair - AdvocateWeb
Soul Stealing: Power Relations in Pastoral Sexual Abuse - SNAP Network
Sex With a Pastor: An Affair or Abuse? by Cameron Altaras
However, as my husband questioned me, I was open and honest about the details of the activity. He listened to all that had happened, and remembered the years of me sharing how I hated the way my pastor boss treated me in general, and he realized something wasn’t making sense. He began to research narcissists and how they abuse and realized his pastor had abused his wife and it all started to make sense. When he first told me I was actually the victim of abuse, I was in denial. I was determined to own what I thought I had done and move on. It’s only been after much research and input from licensed therapists and other experts, that I have come to accept that I was abused both emotionally and sexually by a pastor. I went to a professional, licensed therapist and was diagnosed with and treated for trauma associated with emotional abuse involving sexual activity. I would not say it was abuse unless I could say it with confidence.
We now understand that a pastor deliberately engaged in years of grooming and emotional abuse which involved gaslighting, projection, word salad, devaluing, and mean/sweet cycles. This grooming effectively trauma bonded me to my boss's emotional abuse and ensured I would remain loyal to him no matter what he did. So often, it felt like I wasn't being treated right and it made no sense to me that a pastor could say and do the things he did, but the subtleness and confusion of it kept me from speaking out clearly about what was happening. I complained to coworkers, church leaders, and my husband, but our collective lack of understanding made it difficult for anyone to take decisive action to stop it. He was called out by others for mistreating coworkers, but he always managed to escape significant consequences. I became obsessed with saying and doing just the right things to get his approval and to keep from seeing his mean and nasty side. I was constantly trying to avoid his shaming and rejection. The effect of years of this treatment was to erode my self-confidence, cause me to question everything I did, and remain in a state of confusion (fog). This was very personal and destructive abuse. It enabled him to then begin a process/cycle of manipulating, coercing, and shaming me into participating in inappropriate activity with him.
Not only was it personal abuse, it was also positional/power abuse. We now understand it was an abuse of power because he was both a pastor and supervisor. As his subordinate employee and because of his grooming, I was legally and emotionally unable to consent even though my actions seemed voluntary. We now understand how emotional abuse allows the abuser to brainwash and control their target/victim. This makes it very difficult for the victim to make clear and logical decisions in response to their abuser's tactics. You will see more about this on the Awareness page of our site and in the articles linked below.
Pastors Don't Have Affairs - Ashley Easter
Why It's Not an Affair - AdvocateWeb
Soul Stealing: Power Relations in Pastoral Sexual Abuse - SNAP Network
Sex With a Pastor: An Affair or Abuse? by Cameron Altaras